In the week before Christmas, when stores were poppin’,

I was kicking myself for putting off shopping.

In November, I thought I’d have enough time,

To procrastinate shopping and do it online,

But half a month later, I found (to my horror),

That it’d take ten whole weeks to ship all my orders.

I groaned and I banged my head 'gainst the wall,

Cause I really did not want to go to the mall.

The day started out with a dose of bad luck,

When my first parking place was swiped by a truck,

I hollered, “Hey, man! Where’s the Christmas spirit?”

He said, “Someplace warmer. Now you better beat it,”

I could feel my mood getting more and more sour,

As I drove round in circles for half of an hour.

Then as I was squeezing my car in a spot,

I scratched a grey van, and got caught by a cop.

I gave him a nod, but he just wouldn’t go,

Till he was sure I’d left the van owner a note.

I sighed to myself, Not a thing’s going well,

Then I walked on some ice, and I slipped and I fell.

I got up and thought, I honestly fear

That this will be the worst day of the year.

I limped in the mall and I said to myself,

“It’s crowded in here and it’s stuffy as hell,”

I looked round and wondered, What is that sound?

It’s scratchy, and shrieky, and terribly loud.

I headed off quickly, but to my dismay,

That horrible noise would not go away,

So I turned and I saw in a row behind me,

A whole pack of carolers, singing off-key

I rushed ‘round the corner, but they stayed in pursuit,

‘Til I reached a dead end and I thought I was screwed.

“They’re just Christmas carolers,” perhaps you might say,

But you don’t understand what they looked like that day.

With their billowing robes, and their broad creepy smiles,

I saw them as Ghosts of Christmas-Most-Vile.

However, l lived to see one more day,

For I climbed up the carousel and ran far away.

“A picture with Santa?” An elf said to me,

“No thanks,” I told her, “I’m over thirteen,”

She said, “Every age needs holiday cheer!”

Rolling my eyes, I said, “Maybe next year,”

But the girl looked so sad, I felt like a Scrooge,

I said, “What the hell. I’ve got nothing to lose.”

Then I turned and I saw a guy from my school,

He said with a smile, “Are you shopping too?”

Then he gave me a classic Holiday greeting,

And, for some silly reason, I glanced at the ceiling.

I saw we were standing beneath mistletoe,

So I said, “’Nice to see you, but I gotta go!”

“Wait!” the elf shouted, as I rushed away,

“You’ve still got to get your picture today!”

“Thanks, but I’m fine,” I said, and glanced back,

Then I ran into a woman who was holding a sack.

“Watch where you’re going!” she shouted at me,

“If you broke my new plates, you’ll pay for those things!”

As she rummaged around to see what I’d smashed,

I jogged round the corner and I didn’t look back.

Then I went to the desk titled “Information”

To see if they’d change the radio station.

All day I’d been hearing the same songs repeated

So I went to the desk and I humbly pleaded,

“Please can “Fairytale of New York” be played?”

Mariah Carey has been blasting all day

Honestly the only thing worse than the flu

Is her singing, “All I Want for Christmas Is You.”

The employee looked up and said very slow,

“I’m sorry, kid, but the answer is ‘no,’

I like Mariah, she’s fun and she’s spunky,

And she appeals to people who spend lots of money.

Your musical taste isn’t right for this place,

But thanks anyway. Now have a nice day,”

I was unsure of what to get my sister until

I saw a sign pointing towards Brandy Melville.

I have to admit, it was quite impressive

To see so many grey and white floral dresses.

I went to a girl who was at the shirt rack,

With a scowl so foul, it’d turn the Grinch’s heart back.

“Hey,” I said, as she stared her phone.

I tapped on her shoulder, and she let out a groan.

“Welcome to Brandy, what do you need?”

“I want a comfy T-shirt for a middle-school teen,”

“Well, you’re in the right place,” she said with a grimace,

“Now anything else? Or are you all finished?”

I grabbed a T-shirt (thank God, they’re one size),

Then I spent half an hour waiting in line.

That sounds like a while, but I handled it fine,

Eating three advent calendars to pass the time.

I got done with shopping by nine that night,

And I’m happy to say I had three fewer fights,

Then I did on Black Friday, so I guess in a way,

You could say Christmas shopping went pretty okay.