Grief has a funny way it displays itself. You have the 5 stages of the grief cycle; depression, anger, denial, bargaining and acceptance. The one thing that I have learned and cannot stress enough is that there is no magic formula for your grief and that often times you can be in one stage and briefly and rapidly jump right into another one. This is a commonality for me, especially around the holidays.
I absolutely love the holidays, everyone is so cheerful and there are Christmas movies and hot cocoa and eggnog and so much festivity -- but underneath all that “holiday cheer,” there is a lingering sadness that holds onto my heart. The holidays are a time of family and a time of joy, but for me, they represent more than just that. The holidays are a time of reflection and remembrance.
Going home brings with it a wave of nostalgia for a time when mom was alive. I often times will find myself at a family gathering and feel her presence missing and be so overcome with emotion, that I have to go somewhere and cry and then continue on. That’s what the holidays are often filled with. Excitement and cheer because it's Christmas, but heartache and longing for a mom that I lost as such a little girl.
This year I found myself going through an old memory book she had. She discussed different aspects of my sisters’ and I’s life with her and the things we did together and I found myself with a hole in my heart. This book was supposed to bring me comfort and peace but rather brought me aching and hurt. I put the book aside and realized my mom wouldn’t want me to be sad. She would want me to be happy with the life I’m living and continue to move on and grow and become a person she would be proud of.
So as the holiday season comes to a close and New Years creeps upon us, I have to brace myself for the pain and emotions it will bring but also the serenity and calmness it will bestow upon me. It may have been 7 years and there are days when I just want to lay in bed and cry, and that’s okay, but then I get back up and continue doing what I have to do for myself because that’s what she would have wanted.
I write this to share with you that it's okay to be sad and to feel pain over the holidays and remember: you aren’t alone.
“You are my sunshine”
Love You Lots Momma
