Do you ever feel as if you're in constant competition?
Your competition may be with a sibling, a teammate, a fellow student or co-worker, the clock, etc., but nonetheless, it exists.
They say a little healthy competition never hurt anyone, but I don't find that to be comforting.
I played both individual and competitive sports, I've worked on several teams, I've raced a clock, and I'm a twin -- so I know all about sibling competition. I've never been one to really enjoy comparing myself to others, but I find myself in that battle every single day, and more often than not, it's more than once a day.
On a regular basis, I find myself asking these questions:
Are my grades good enough?
Do I measure up to her standards?
Does my boss think I'm qualified enough?
Does she really like her more than me?
Am I gonna meet my deadline?
Is she prettier/skinnier/happier than me?
People make it seem really easy to stop this nasty habit, but in the mind of the anxious competitor it's really not so simple.
This feeling of constant competition has led me to feel really alone. I have great friends and an awesome boyfriend, but my mind is flooded with feelings of inadequacy in my home life, my life of academia, my work, and my spiritual life.
I've recently embarked on a healthier lifestyle. Anyone who has ever started a journey like this knows it is not easy. It's not easy when the people around you rock a bikini like it was made just for them, and when everyone else is eating a big bowl of ice cream or a big, fat burrito, and you are having grilled chicken and no ice cream. It's never hard to change an aspect of your life, but I've found my health to be the hardest habit to kick. I have found one reason it is so hard for me to get into being healthy is my reasoning. I desire to be a certain way, look a certain way, feel a certain way, but mostly I desire approval from the other people in my life who want me to look a certain way, feel a certain way, and be a certain way.
Trust me when I say that there is not one bone in my body that loves healthy food or exercise. To be honest, I despise it. I hate to run, but I hate grilled chicken and broccoli more. But in order to be the way I desire, I am learning that chocolate chip cookies are not my friend.
I am also having to learn that if I am ever going to see the results I want, my reason for getting healthy has to be just that, my reason. It can't be "because I want so and so to be proud of me" or "because i want to look like so and so in a swimsuit" or "because I want to be able to keep up with so and so when I'm exercising." It has to be for me.
A healthy lifestyle was the best example that came to mind when I was thinking about the comparison act, but really it applies to every aspect of life.
If I want to be successful in my job, spiritual life, health, family, etc., the reason behind my attempt has to be pure. If I continue doing and living for someone else, I have learned that it is twice as hard, and even more unlikely.
Being in a mindset of competition has, more often than not, left me feeling very alone and isolated. How ironic, since competition takes someone/something else to exist.
I have found my feelings of inadequacy leading me to a place of isolation and fear. I never know what someone thinks or feels about me, so I tend to hide or be anxious in order to keep from disappointing them.
That is no way to live life.
I am a young adult, who has become a very successful writer, landed a few great jobs and internships, has great friends, and in a year from now I will have several certificates of achievement and a college diploma.
Of course, when I graduate I have absolutely no idea what I want to do, where I will work, how I will afford life on my own, and no idea what it looks like to pay for my phone bill, insurance, a house, etc. But I have experienced success, and the greatest news is I serve a pretty awesome God who isn't finished writing my success story. Greater things are yet to come; immeasurably more than all I can ask or imagine.
I personally think it is time to end this comparison trap. I think its time to stop worrying about what people think of me, how they feel about what I'm studying, how early I graduate and get married, and what career I hold.
Life is all about making mistakes, learning, loving, and figuring out how to do things better next time. It's about finding people to share memories with, making a name for yourself, and doing something that you truly have passion for.
Not comparing yourself to others is way harder than it sounds. It takes conscious thought awareness, a new found love of yourself, and will more than likely include several disappointing days. There will be days you lose faith in your reason and can't see a light a the end of the tunnel. There will be days where people kick you while you're down, and other days people are giving you the exact praise you need.
Don't belittle your success. Stop for a moment, acknowledge your progress, and congratulate yourself on how far you've come. Keep going. It's not easy, but at the end of the day, being happy with who you are is beyond worth it.
