I sat down to an open computer the other night. What was on the screen took my breath away.
"One of the biggest obstacles I have had to overcome involves the mental disabilities of my brother. These disabilities mean that he is given the majority of the attention in the household, including academic help and guidance. Due to this, I have had to learn to become more independent and develop my own form of self-sufficiency."
"My older brother has an Autism Spectrum DIsorder, requiring him to receive more attention than most other kids would. In addition to needing more attention and direction, he also needs more help regarding homework and day to day activities. Things have been this way pretty much as long as I can remember, and are now such a part of my daily life that I don't think about it."
Oh. My. Gosh. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm typically not at a loss for words. That screen however, stopped me in my tracks. I couldn't breathe and felt the tears flowing freely as I continued to read. My son was writing an essay about something he has had to overcome in his life. He didn't choose all the things I might have suggested, but instead chose a topic I've never thought about: how he developed self-sufficiency at a young age because of the attention his older brother requires.
My son walked in while I was sitting at the computer. His words were "Sorry, I'm working on an essay and need the computer when you are finished." I slid it to him, watched him continue typing, and realized I still had tears streaming down my face. He finally paused and asked me what was wrong. All I could say was "I saw your essay." His response? "I don't know why you are crying, mom. It's no big deal. This is how things always have been. My brother needs help with school and daily activities. I don't know why you are upset." He didn't even understand that I wasn't upset about his brother, but was upset because of what his essay meant to me.
Needless to say, I spent many hours awake that night. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had not done a good job making sure my time was spent evenly between my three children. Would my daughter be writing the same essay in eight years? Was my son resentful because of the time I gave to his brother? How many times had my son needed my help throughout the years, only to see me sitting with his brother night after night, helping him with his schoolwork, and merely leave the room to work independently? I could easily think of nights I would be sitting and quizzing his brother, in preparation for an upcoming test or quiz. He would come in to tell me about his school day. While I was indeed listening, I was also preoccupied, knowing how many more hours of homework I was going to be sitting and helping with. True and as much as it hurt, it wasn't fair.
My kids, none of them, chose to have someone in our home who struggles academically and socially. The way it impacts our home is one that cannot be described. No one knows the countless hours spent reminding my oldest of not only academic tasks, but everyday tasks as well. No one understands this except for those that live it themselves. These people are the siblings of kids with special needs.
After reading my son's essay, I realized something I should have known all along: siblings of kids with any type of special need are heroes. They often get neglected when it comes to attention, yet have hearts of gold. I know this to be true based on what I see everyday in my own home. I have two kids of my own who I know have not always gotten the attention they deserved, especially during a time when I was helping their brother, or quite honestly-tired from helping their brother. These two kids however, have never once complained about the inequality of time spent with them or even hinted things aren't "fair." To them, this is what they have always known and honestly, what they will most likely always know. They have learned patience while growing up with their brother. They have learned the importance of self-sufficiency, even when they were too young to understand. They have learned to accept others and be non judgmental. They are typical kids who make mistakes, get angry, and get grounded. These two, while I know have faults of their own, are heroes in my eyes. I know it might not be completely fair that they haven't gotten the same amount of attention their brother did. I do know however, the life lessons they have learned from their brother far outweigh anything I could have ever taught them.
