My heart is broken, but I will go on. | The Odyssey Online
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My Heart Is Broken, But I Will Go On

Can we truly comprehend joy without despair?

Ashley McMurray
Oct 22, 2018
University of Oregon
447
My Heart Is Broken, But I Will Go On
Ashley McMurray

I've always struggled with getting attached to people. I become super attached and then the person leaves and I'm left totally devastated. This trend occurs frequently in my life, yet I'm still not used to it.

Maybe that's the point of being human. Maybe I'm not supposed to change this about myself.

I'm going through my first breakup right now and it's way harder than I imagined. My ex-boyfriend moved to Dallas, Texas to pursue a career in animation. Obviously, I was devastated. Maybe I still am devastated. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get over him. He was/is my first love and I won't be able to forget him anytime soon. I mean, this guy saved up his paychecks just so he could take me to the coast for my last birthday. This guy obviously cares about me. Just not enough to stay with me.

This breakup has taught me a lot about myself. I think I was so wrapped up in having my first boyfriend that I lost part of my identity through dating him. I really don't know who I am anymore. I've been going through a major identity crisis, depression and my anxiety has gotten worse. I can barely sleep and I can barely eat. I cry A LOT. His face floods my dreams and I wake up missing him every morning. Shortly after he moved, I had a vivid dream of the night he left and woke up expecting him to be next to me.

Being heartbroken SUCKS. Yet, I must have been so amazingly happy to be this depressed that the relationship is over.

Can we truly comprehend joy without despair?

Maybe I just have to embrace the waves of emotion and let them flow. Maybe I just have to embrace my sadness until I can let him go. I really don't have any answers, but I know this breakup is supposed to teach me something important about myself. I think this breakup was partly to reinforce my belief that money ISN'T everything. Money isn't more important than love.

I have also learned that I want the guy who stays; I don't want the guy who chooses to leave me. That isn't fair to me and I want to find my ride-or-die. Maybe I really am a hopeless romantic after all.

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