I have never met another writer that hasn't thought about the concept of suicide. In a way, suicide is a gateway drug because once you think about it, it is always on your mind. I had times where I was in complete darkness and hoped for someone to take me out of that situation. That didn't happen for me because there wasn't anyone out there to reach their hand out. I was alone with the one person that drowned me in the darkness, my father. I contemplated cutting myself because I didn't know how to feel. I wanted a way out and that way out was going to be suicide.
That didn't happen since I am here talking to you right now, as you can see. I found a way to get out that depressing situation and the reason I didn't commit suicide is because I didn't get anything out of it. I got a way out, but that was it. In the end, there were no good cards handed to me. I would be stuck in the darkness and would never get out. I wouldn't let anyone win because, at the end of the day, I want to be the one that wins. If I commit suicide, the people that hurt me would pity me and I don't want anyone's pity. That is the last thing I want to get because it will just bring me back to that darkness.
The thing people don't understand about suicide is that the people that are close to attempting it, aren't OK. We are still as close to committing suicide as everyone else with depression and social anxiety. We are out of that endless pit, but anything can put us back into that pit and have us thinking about ending it. I have an emotionless face because I am damaged goods at this point. I help anyone that looks down at that pit, but at this point, I don't believe I truly left that pit. I have been in there so long that I am the pit itself, so I cut off anyone that tries to get close to me.
On another note, there are people out there hurting and you don't know this because they put on a mask. It is a mask so flawless that you wouldn't be able to see past it. It is hard to put down the mask because the more you wear it, the harder it is to know your true self. We look for those people that can see through it all, but until we can find that person we will continue to don that mask. It is the one thing that prevents me from going back, so don't be like me. Take off that mask and look for people that like who you are because you will find like-minded people. It may take some time, but it will be time well spent when you are able to have a genuine smile and not be afraid of who sees it.
