The days I feel lost and out of control are the worst. Times when the rabbit hole of thoughts in my head never seems to stop spiraling. My stomach never stops churning and it seems like the only way to escape my thoughts is to want to run away from them. Which I’ve done several times. And I hate running. Some days I can’t eat at all or if I do eat, it’s the least amount of food ever (which is sad because I love food).

Anxiety makes me feel horrible. It’s not like there’s a switch in my mind that can turn off the overanalyzing and overthinking of every situation. It doesn’t help that these situations lead to me thinking about the future – the what-could-bes and if-it-happenses.

I never like to open up about my feelings to people, and it’s taken me weeks sometimes to bring up things to my best friend. And even then, I’m cautious. I never know how she’ll react or if, in the end, it was worth telling her. So writing this – it’s pretty hard.

I get anxious leaving my room. I get anxious when I have to walk places – that’s why I walk fast. I get anxious raising my hand in class, even when I know the answer. I get anxious taking tests, eating alone and traveling alone.

I get accommodations on my exams now, so I don’t have to take it in my lecture room. I sit in my professor’s office and take my test. I get anxious if I go too fast and they say “Oh, I guess you don’t need extra time after all.”

This semester, when I had to go pick up my accommodation letters for my professors, I got a phone call. I knew it was coming but didn’t answer because I wasn’t sure how I would respond or even start the conversation. I waited three days to go pick up those letters because I was anxious walking into the building and saying my name. Although I was with a friend at the time, that didn’t mean my hands weren’t shaking, and I wasn’t making eye contact.

Some days are harder than others. Some days I wake up nauseous and I don’t know why. That nausea continues throughout the day, making me not want to eat. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed – but I force myself. I’ve missed out on what seemed like fun things with my friends because I was too anxious to go. I never really want to go anywhere alone because I’m always afraid that something bad could happen. There’s no reason to live in fear. Yet I do it every single day.

Even through all the doubts in my mind and things I’m afraid of, I know who I am. I’m Emily Kirwin, I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and it sucks.

I know how to cope with my anxiety but sometimes I let it flow through me until my hands are shaking and it feels like my heart is going to explode out of my chest. Despite those days, I am still thankful for the support I have around me. I almost didn’t stay in school but here I am nearing the end of my third semester of college.

Despite the moments where I feel dizzy with thoughts of inadequacy, I realize that I am here and in this moment, and all my worries don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I may never be in complete control of my anxiety, but I know that it’s okay to not always feel okay.