December 5, 2016. It was a Monday.

I was finishing up my first semester at my first college in Long Island, New York- Hofstra University. Transitioning to college was one of the hardest things I had to do. I had lived in the same town, the state for years. But all of my life I knew I wanted to move away and finally have a say in what I do with my life. So, I moved to New York to start my freshman year of college. But, life knocked my right on my a** and for some reason, I couldn't seem to get back up. I started to notice that my difficult transition was making it difficult for me to focus in any of my classes, even my favorite ones. I saw my grades slowing start to decline and I had no motivation to fix it. After talking to my mom, I knew something had to be done. I went to my academic advisor and broke down, in between the shorts breathe and the tears streaming down my face, we were able to come up with a plan just so I could make it to the end of the semester. I started seeing someone at my school's counseling center, just so have someone to talk to about what is going on, other than my friends and my family. It didn't take long for my counselor to diagnose me with something that I had kind of always known that I had. "Severe depression and severe generalized anxiety and social anxiety" came out of his mouth. I didn't reply to what he was saying to me, I just nodded my head. I felt this sense of satisfaction when he told me my diagnosis

I've always been the person to be on the outside of things or look at things with a different perspective, but I always just thought I was a little weird. It wasn't until I was almost a teenager that I knew something else was off. As I got a little older and started to understand mental health, I did some research. 'What are signs of depression?' 'Why am I nervous all the time?' I typed into the Google search engine. The symptoms of depression and anxiety matched exactly how I felt. At just 13 years I had a strong feeling these two things were going to follow me for the rest of my life. But, I moved on. I made it college and 5 years later, I was finally confirming something I had always kept in the back of my head. It is now April of 2017 and I haven't received help since the end of December. I guess life and school have gotten in the way. Now, I'm not discouraging anyone from getting help, your mental health is just as important as your physical health. But for me, I feel as though I am okay. Of course, counseling would help, but ever since someone confirmed something that has been in my brain since I was 13, I've been doing okay.

To family, friends, anyone who wants to know:

While I haven't come out and told everyone the most recent news of my mental health, it is important to know why I act the way I do sometimes. Depression and anxiety are two conflicting illnesses that can be hard to cope with on a daily basis. One makes me nervous and wants to make sure everything is planned out and ready and the other makes me not want to leave my bed for days on end. Of course, there are many others way to describe it. Not mental illness is as cookies cutter as that description, but it will do for now. I want you all to know that this is something that I CANNOT control. Whether it is an imbalance of chemicals in my brain or the bullsh*t that I have been through in my 19 years on this earth, just know I didn't choose for this to happen. I also want you to know that these illnesses do not define me at all. I am still the same person everyone knows. I mean, maybe not the exact same, but it's human nature to change. My depression and anxiety is something that I have to do deal with every day and I want everyone to know that I am not ashamed of it. I'm still learning about the different ways each one can affect me, so all I ask is that everyone has a little bit of patience with me. Mental illness is unpredictable no matter how severe it is or not. I encourage everyone who has no idea about mental health/illnesses to just educate yourself and learn about the effects. It will be so much easier if everyone educates and communicates themselves on such a stigmatized topic.

I know this might not have been the ideal way to tell people. But it took a lot to sit down and write this out for everyone to read. But, I'm not perfect, I'm far from it. It just feels nice to tell the truth.