Whenever I tell my friends from college or my coworkers that I was incredibly shy and quiet in high school, they stare at me in disbelief of how approachable and talkative I am now. I just got back from a local event and caught up with a few people I graduated high school with and it reminded me of how much I have changed from high school four years ago.
I will admit that I did not talk to a lot of people outside of the music department mainly because music is what I focused on in high school. I also did not enjoy nor care for the party scene. I was shy with my peers because most of them intimidated me and I did not want to say or do the wrong thing in front of them. High school was a time where I was dealing with a lot of changes and of course my anxiety.
I have already talked about my anxiety (i.e. not feeling good enough - this mainly triggers my anxiety attacks). Now that I look back, I was always trying to do everything I could to prevent an anxiety attack. I also had/have a learning disability (A.D.D.) which made it difficult for me at times because while I was lucky enough to have access to prescribed medications to assist me, I always felt like it did not allow me to be my complete myself. The best way I can describe what my A.D.D. is like is to paint this scenario: You know how when you are on cold medicine and you feel alright but things can be hazy at times and you are not "fully" there? That is what it was like for me in all of my classes. The only time I felt my true self was when I'd sing in chorus or played one of the piano's in one of the practice rooms. Music has always been the best way for me to express my feelings.
Even though I regret not being as "outgoing" as I am now in high school, I remind myself of these "awkward" phases because it will make it easier for me to relate to future students and to be able to work with them because of what I went through. I know what it is to be the kind of student that cares about their academics but finds it hard to make conversation with other classmates because of shyness. I also hated being put on the spot - for some students this might work, but for me it would always stress me out because I feared if I gave the wrong answer.
Sometimes I feel as though I should have at least tried to give people a chance and opened up more. However when I look back on my past, it makes me extremely proud of who I am today. I can still be shy at times, especially when new situations arise. As I am comparing myself to how I was four years ago to the present, I am glad that I have changed from high school (in a good way). I always knew that inside that quiet, shy shell of mine I was energetic and outgoing. I was just not ready to "spread my wings and fly." I am now ready to "fly" and most importantly shine.
