I’ve grown in many ways this year. In fact, in some ways I feel like I'm an entirely different human being than the person I left behind in high school. And in other ways, I feel like the exact same girl, still fighting with her parents about random and obscure things while trying to avoid my real life problems. I’ve adapted to my new environment; I have changed in ways I did not expect. Some have been for the better, as I have fully come to except that I am a crazy woman who is no longer afraid of being herself. Some have also been for the worse, as I might have become a little bit too mellow when it came to my grades.

College has not been easy, as being the only female on my campus this year to wear the hijab, there have been many…interesting circumstances and events that I have had to deal with (an experience and an article for another time). However, I have also gained many useful things from college. I have met some amazing people who truly inspire me and help me to aspire to be a better version of myself. I have had experiences that I would not trade for the world, regardless of how embarrassing some of them were (Let’s just say the IHOP in Heath, OH knows my face really well at this point in time).

But as I look back on the year, here are a couple of personal reflections of my transition from high school to college that I realized have helped shape my college experience.

1. I had some horrible "friends" back in high school.

I know, we all had that one friend that we question how on earth we kept in our lives. But when I looked back, I realized I had way too many of those. I did not even notice this until midway through my freshman year of college.

It started off with two experiences, the first being last summer when I went on the Posse Plus Retreat with my Posse members, or my first real “college” friends. I do not remember the exact circumstances, but one of my friends called me beautiful. And I do not mean the petty responses we give to be polite, I mean she genuinely called me beautiful. I was legitimately mentally stunned for a second, as I did not even know how to react. It took me a second, but then I realized why: none of my friends up to that point had ever genuinely called me that. I was never the pretty girl in the group. Most of the girls I hung out with were petite, small, skinny and to everyone else, I was the extra. I was the overweight, loudmouthed, stubborn, Muslim friend. Oh ya, and at the time I was also going through an identity crisis, while most of them seemed to be doing great as the overall white teenager.

This did not make them bad people. In fact, had I looked like them, I might have been showered with fake compliments about how beautiful I was. But the key phrase here is “had I looked like them”. They were not bad people; they were just bad for me. They did not find beauty in who I was as a person, and as much as they would like to deny it, they did not respect my beliefs nor did they even bother to really learn anything about me. They did not make me a better person either, as your friends should do. This was really proven to me in my second experience. I went back to my high school and two of the people in that friend group were there, and when they overheard me talking about my goals and dreams, they looked completely baffled.

To be fair, high school was a very insecure time for all of us. These friends did, however, teach me a valuable lesson: weed out the toxic people in your life from the start. It helped with my transition into college so much, as the people I have held onto after high school have become some of my biggest allies in life. It has also helped me when I started making relationships on campus. Life is too short, make friends who help, encourage, support and make you a better person overall. And if you are not happy with the people you have right now, I have two words: ditch them. Trust me, it saves all of you the pain in the end.

2. I have learned the word “intersectionality” and will never go back.

You can’t be both an Arab and an American”, “Wait, aren’t all Muslims Arabs?” were common phrases of my childhood that I had to educate people about over and over and over and over and over. It never stopped. However, one of the greatest lessons I had ever learned was the word “intersectional”. Somehow, everything in my mind seemed to click. All the thoughts and emotions I had been experiencing for years under white feminism, colonialization and even internalized oppression, had come to light. I could have more than one identity, and I could dive into different aspects of my identity. I finally found a platform for all my frustrations and the vocabulary I needed in order to express them, and I felt completely liberated.

After this point, I decided to no longer take people’s bullshit (excuse my French). I love having discussions about feminism, but I am no longer interested in catering to white mainstream feminism. If women of color, men, and your privileges are not involved in the conversation, I’m out. Period.

3. I have finally come to love and embrace me.

I have struggled with body positivity and mental depression for years. I have struggled with my race, gender, financial status, and so much more and instead of outwardly speaking about it, I would oftentimes internalize it. But no more.

I obviously have my struggles. I don’t wake up every day feeling beautiful, but instead of wishing away those days, I have come to embrace them, along with the days where I feel beautiful. I have decided that I will love me, and I truly have started to love the person I am becoming. I am loud, crazy, assertive and not afraid to speak my mind. If that scares people, if that makes me bossy, or heaven forbid the b**** word, then so be it. While you judge, I am going to keep working on me.