So it starts. You can feel it. The sinking feeling in your chest, your heart starts to race, you're trying to keep up with the thoughts running around your head. Your breathing starts to increase, you feel like you're losing sight of the world around you and nothing makes sense. Everything is moving too fast and you wish it'd all just slow down and STOP.
You don't understand it, but you know it's going to happen. Sometimes you don't know, other times you wake up and know it's going to be one of those days, so you brace yourself.
Mental disorders are hard. Not everyone understands it or is willing to believe that it's a real thing. Lord knows I didn't believe it when I was told what it was; I thought I was dying. But you aren't. It's just something that decides it wants to be a part of your life one day, and you learn how to deal with it. But some days it's harder than others.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder. That's what they call my mental disorder. It's so strange to think that something that's been a part of me for a long time is something that isn't normal. Looking back now I could always see my anxious and nervous tendencies, but that's what was normal for me. How afraid I was to get in trouble and make mistakes, the way I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning (and let's be real, that's me some days even now). I've recently been lucky enough to find a cat who is a good source of therapy for me. She seems to know when I'm having moments and disrupts my negative thoughts by smothering me with love, and it helps. Thank you, Cocoabean.
I've accepted that this is a part of my life, and that it isn't going anywhere anytime soon. At this point in my life though, I don't think I'd want it to. It's become a part of me; it's who I am. I can't imagine a life where I'm carefree and not anxious about something. It's me, and even though it's imperfect, I'm okay with where my life is and who I am. And I would never want to change that.
"Some days are better than others; some days are worse. But they're just days, and I've got more of them where they came from." -Meghan Rienks
