I know what you’re thinking. In this crazy election between a mutant Oompa Loompa and a witch, why throw away your vote on a gorilla? I mean, sure this gorilla is smarter than one of the candidates, and less inherently corrupt than the other, but your vote should matter, and Harambe getting elected just doesn’t seem like a realistic turn of events.
Or is it?
I will make my case that Harambe would be a far greater president than Trump or Clinton. And maybe, just maybe, I can convince you to write Harambe on your next ballot.
For starters, the main argument against Harambe is that he is a gorilla. This is true. Several leading zoologists have confirmed that Harambe, wonderful as he is, is not a human. But what should this matter? No matter how this election goes, history will be made. We’re left to choose between the first female president and the first God-Emperor of America. Making a gorilla president doesn’t seem too far-fetched. In a country where our crippling humanity has failed us, maybe we need a gorilla’s point of view. And Harambe’s that gorilla.
I believe Harambe could provide a narrative that America could learn from. You see, Harambe has had a lot of experience with prejudice. He has been ridiculed by the masses. He has been locked in a cage. And he had experienced violence at the hand of authority while helping a young child. Harambe took a bullet for the youth of America. It’s time we gave back to him what he truly sacrificed. Because Harambe has sacrificed far more than Trump. Harambe made the ultimate sacrifice. Harambe is honorable. He is a warrior for equality and compassion.
Nonetheless, another leading concern is that Harambe, sadly, is dead. To this, I say, “But he’s alive in our hearts.” Harambe has become more than a gorilla. He has touched our hearts and souls and has brought us into a new era where we respect our fellow creature and look after our children. If we can vote for the person equivalent of an above-ground pool, if we can vote for nuclear war, then we can vote for a dead gorilla. Harambe lives on as long as we hold his message close to our hearts. And if we can vote for that message, if we can make that message into something tangible, we can rein in a new era of peace and prosperity for America.
My vote goes to Harambe, defender of the innocent, survivor of captivity. His is a story on par with Mandela. He will join the ranks of Gandhi and Martin Luther King. Harambe will become the truest protector of the righteous. Harambe for president. Amen.