Hey! You're reading my new article after reading my first one? I am so honored. Really, I am :)
I'm imagining that you might still be processing that punch in the gut from last week about my boyfriend. I would like to explain why I chose to be abrupt about that factoid: you have now gained a very small idea of how that event in my life affected me. I will warn you now that there will be other punches because that is how grieving works. Life can feel normal and you can start to find a new routine and then, KABLAM! (I kind of wish I could make that look like a little comic word, cute right?!) Sometimes you can just tell when the next day is going to be rough, but sometimes you can be going through a perfect day and then KABLAM. You get that punch in the gut.
That was my day on Sunday, July 10. Also known to me and others as Max's birthday. I knew that it would be tiring, but it really wiped me out. Like I said, we're supposed to get wrinkly and drink prune juice, but he never will. I know that every year on this day will be difficult and emotional. For those of you who have these what I call, "days of dread" I want to tell you it's okay. It really is. You're going to have a few of them. I know I sure do. You'll start remembering the day that that special person did something that made you laugh, cry, love them more and that might become a "day of dread." But, I think that we have the option to make that day positive, or at least squeeze in some positivity, whether it be through gratitude or an honorable action, maybe just try to do something.
I also want to tell you that it is okay to be mad on those kinds of days. It's not written anywhere that you are only allowed to feel sad whenever you think about them. For example, I still get mad when I think about the plain fact that Max died, especially that he died next to me (small punch). I always catch myself thinking, "What the hell? You couldn't have done it somewhere else? Around someone else?!" Who would be grateful to experience that?
But I did become grateful that that is how that night happened. I am grateful that it was me who was there. I'm grateful that I knew what to do in that moment because it felt like he was guiding me the whole time. He was being there for me in his new way. He was being, and will always be, my guiding angel.
So, Max. Darn you, you hooligan. (Mad)
Also, thank you for the lessons you taught me, the courage you inspired in me, and the love you gave me. I know it was your birthday, but I found myself thinking about the gifts you gave me. (Gratitude)
My gift to you is to keep trying to utilize those gifts that you gave me. I will continue to teach, lift up, and love all who cross my path, just as you did to everyone. PS. I am not joking about the everyone part. He made everyone feel special and important.
I am getting a smidge choked up right now sooooo I am going to end here with these thoughts: I found it incredibly challenging to write this article. My head and my heart were all over the place, so please forgive me if something doesn't make sense or feels inconsistent. That is just how life goes. But do you remember how else it goes?
Life goes on filled with gratitude.
Happy birthday, Max. And to anyone you readers may have lost. Even if it is not their birthday, take a moment to celebrate their birth and be grateful for the birthdays they had with you and everyone they loved, not the ones they will never have. They would be grateful to you for remembering those days with them <3
