Most people think that you get a divorce and you are done with it. Thirteen years later and I am still coping with my parent's divorce. Thirteen years later and I am still watching things change because of their divorce. There are still some days I become so frustrated. There are still some days I just sit in my room and cry. There are still some moments where all I want is to scream at the top of my lungs that things would be easier.

To be completely honest, I still don't feel like my parents understand. I don't think you can understand what it is like to be a child in a divorce until you have been in the situation. It isn't something that you get over. It isn't something that gets easier. As a child you are so in the dark, but as you get older you find out more information. Things that you thought were one way as a child suddenly make sense as an adult. It still hurts. It still brings up old feelings. It never gets easier.

I have never been in the situation of having a divorce myself. I can't understand the mindset. I don't understand how someone can turn away from their family. I don't understand how any of that is supposed to be normal. I know my mommy meant well by telling me that things were okay, but that was a lie. When my family was broken apart it wasn't just walking away from each other, it was walking away from me too. It was breaking me apart. It was forever changing the childhood I was supposed to have.

I have never lived in a family that wasn't broken. I have never seen a functional relationship. I have never seen two people say for better or worse and stick it out. One day when I get married I am going to have to learn how to live in a world where you don't walk away or I join the statistic that I have grown to detest so much in the first place.

I remember clearly my mom sitting beside me with tears in her eyes telling me that daddy wasn't coming home. I remember her telling me that things were going to change, but that it would be okay. I remember clearly the feeling of hating both of my parents for making me grow up so fast. I learned that life isn't fair. I learned that your parents are people too. I learned to think for myself. I wouldn't be the person I am now if my parents were still together. I still am fearful of people leaving me. I still feel the need to prove to people that I am worth sticking around for. I still have never seen that functional relationship. But I am me for that.

There are certain moments that I will always remember. I will always remember crying myself to sleep the first weekend without mommy. I will always remember each of daddy's girlfriends I was around. None of it was normal. And none of it was okay. To be completely honest all I wanted was to hear that they were sorry. I wanted them to be sorry for changing my life, for making me grow up so fast, and for tearing me apart. I didn't get that.

Divorce doesn't just affect the parents. Don't think that it is something a child ever becomes used to. To be completely honest there will be times when they hate you for it. One day they will understand what happened, but they will never understand. I will never know what I would be had my parents stayed together, but I do know who I am because of it. To some people, I am a statistic. To me, I am refined by fire. Divorce is not something I would wish on anyone. As a child, it tore me apart. As an adult it defines me. I will always live my life in a world where people are afraid to ask questions about my home life, but a life that was built on brokenness has become my home. I am strong and stubborn, opinionated and independent. I love different and I live differently. I am me because I am a child of divorce.