I'm not even sure where to begin. My head is in a million places. I have a million thoughts constantly running inside there - a range of emotions has been built up inside of me, and I honestly have no direction of where this writing will take me. I'm not sure what the focus is. There's grief happening, there's celebrations happening, there's "last time" events going on which bring on a number of emotions...there's exciting things happening yet, here I am, sitting in my apartment in the most exciting time in my life and I feel so incredibly lost yet so incredibly found, and I just need to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper. And this is the best place to do it, and I hope that somewhere, someone will be able to relate to my feelings, to what I'm going through, and know that it's okay to feel this way...whatever this way is.

The first thing that's been weighing on my mind recently, and essentially, that's something that is always going to be there is the grief I've been going through surrounding my mother's death. Now, all of you are aware (from my articles) that my mother passed away December 11th, 2013 (rapidly approaching), and can assume that, from the magnitude of the loss, I've suffered a great deal of trauma and emotions on how to essentially handle this loss. I'd be lying to you if I said I have life handled. I'd be lying to you if I said I'm not suffering at this moment. I'd be lying if I said to you that I'm on the edge of a breakdown and I don't know when it's going to come, but I know that when it does, it's going to hurt like hell.

Dealing with her loss has been so much harder than I ever expected it to be. I knew going into this that I'd go through stages, that it was going to hurt and I was going to experience the emotions but one day I'd come out of it, stronger and more prepared for another loss of this magnitude again, someday...but I can't even begin to tell you that I've yet to go through the stages. That I've yet to let myself submerge myself into the grief - I've had boughts of it. It comes in waves. It's here for a few days and then it goes away, and I'm left wondering where is the next one gonna come in, why is it coming in waves and why can't I let myself feel it? Why can't I let myself get all the way inside it and feel every ounce of it? And I'm not sure if I have the answers to these questions - because I just don't know.

I know I want to feel it. I know I need to feel it, but I think I'm scared. i'm scared to get to that place and not having someone around me to help me through it. I'm scared of going through it alone. I'm scared to reach that level of vulnerability and I'm scared that if I do get there, that I won't be able to come out of it. Maybe that's why I've put it off - maybe i've been too afraid to focus on myself for once that I'm putting this grief off. Maybe I'm scared of being so emotionally invested in what I'm feeling that the grief has scared me off?

I know that I feel a great loss because I feel it every. single. day of my life. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her, or don't miss her or don't wish that she was here with me. There's so many things going on in my life right now where I need her. I needed her at the begining of the year when I was sorting through things with my assignments. I needed her over the summer. I needed her to congratulate me on my DCP acceptance, I needed her through everything and not having that constant support has been the hardest thing I've had to go through.

I miss her every day of my life, and I feel like such a completely different person because of the loss I've had to go through. From the moment she died, I had to grow up. I was only nineteen when I lost her - something no nineteen year old should have to go through. I barely made it to Atlanta when I got the call. The worst part of all of this is that I didn't even get to say goodbye to her, I didn't get to talk to her one last time. I didn't get to see her one last time, and that part still shadders me. I've been through a lot of loss in my life, and have experienced a lot of death, but nothing of this magnitude could ever compare to this loss, of this magnitude.

Because I lost her at nineteen, I also feel like I lost a huge part of my early twenties. Yes, I'm 22, and yes it seems as if I've lived a youthful life, but I haven't. I've made decisions no 22 year old should make. I've had to pay for things no 22 year old should have to do. I've become more independent than ever before, I've had to rely on myself for everything, and I've had to completely shift my life focus. All because my mother was taken away from me.

I'm not saying this to get sympathy, because I've had it - and as much as it's appreciated, nothing no one says will ever bring her back. Nothing anyone says will change the way I feel - the way this grief has taken over me. Nothing anyone says will take away the frustration I feel when people complain about their parents. Nothing anyone says will heal this. Nothing I do will ever heal this. Nothing I do will ever stop this from happening over and over again, every single day. The grief is embedded in me. The grief is a part of me. It's taken over muscle, every fiber, every inch of me. It's taken over my brain, it's taken over everything. This is what grief does. It consumes you and you don't let go of it, and even though it's not readily there, I feel it. I feel it deep, and I'm trying like hell to let it come to the surface so I can feel it 10000%, and it hasn't come yet, but it will. And I am not prepared.