"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."
-Proverbs 16:9
I try to make things go perfectly. I plan out my days, striving for self-improvement and complete efficiency with my time and energy. Then something goes wrong, or I just start feeling down, worse than I should based on the situation. I panic, wondering what I'm doing wrong, or what I need to change. I'll blame God, or blame myself. Or blame the world, people in general...someone needs to be blamed for my current state of mind.
Things never go perfectly, or even as I envision them going. I question God...and he proves himself faithful. Maybe just not in the ways I expect. Because there are still hard days. I still have to be disciplined, be grateful, and work on loving people, loving God, loving myself. Why are things not better? If I'm following the true God, the God of the universe, why is my life seemingly just as messed up as before? These questions are ongoing, yet, God is still faithful. I'm still here, working it out, wrestling with God...God's still here too. Day to day he proves that he doesn't leave me alone. Each day brings new hope. Not great results, not great feelings all the time, but hope.
When is there no hope? When does it seem that my life is something worse than death? Something less bearable? When I rely on myself. When I go it alone. I need God desperately. Every day. I prove that to myself every time I walk away.
Am I the only one that feels this way? Am I the only one going through these ups and downs? It doesn't seem like it. Am I the only one who experiences intense feelings of doubt, fear, failed expectations...and sees God being faithful through it all? I don't think so. There seems to be something in all of us that makes us less than ideally efficient. Inconsistent. Prone to depression, and prone to need something more than our own strength to get by. Tell me if I'm wrong in this. Show me someone one-hundred percent confident all the time, content with who they are, standing alone...and doesn't secretly struggle with accepting their own life. I don't think that human being exists.
God's the only permanent solution to our self-destructive tendencies. We may last a while on our own, but sooner rather than later we'll fall, exposing us to our own continued fallenness. God's the only permanent escape from that which makes us born-of-the-Earth humans.
I am blessed, incredibly blessed. God is good to me, always has been. I can forget these things in the midst of my pain and questions. That is when I fail. Not when I'm less than my ideal self, not when I have a bad day or a bad week. It's when I focus on my failures, on my bad days rather than God's goodness, his faithfulness.
When I was most content in the last couple weeks? When I seemed to 'get it right'? It wasn't my best day, my most productive day. In fact, it started with me worrying about the future, and the past, simultaneously. What should I do? What do I need to change to avoid yesterday's mistakes? Such thoughts are insidious; I stopped and chose to say, "Thank you God. Regardless, thank you." He deserves that praise, and that recognition. And it felt like the right perspective to have, even from a broken human like me.
