Google: I have this persistent pain in the back of my knee and a bit of bruising.

This is me trying to figure out why my legs keep bruising.

We have all done it! Googled our symptoms. I’ve Googled myself so much that I have a PHD in Google.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Is it because we can’t afford to go to the hospital or doctor? Or is it because we are hypochondriacs? Is it because we are depressed? So stressed out that our bodies conjures illnesses that are completely in our heads? Is it easier just to Google and think the worst?

For me, it’s a bit of everything, I’ve diagnosed myself with 5-7 brain tumors, MS 3-4 times, almost every cancer possible, and arthritis a bunch of times. (I’m pretty sure we have all done this!)

Googling yourselves isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s not a good thing either. To tell you one thing, “real” doctors hate it. And I am not a doctor, just a humble Googler. But, I just want to put it out there I’m usually 65% percent right with my diagnosis.

There’s this moment when I read the symptoms and I think "Holy crap, they match. I’m dead. I’m so dead." For a second my mind goes straight to the inevitable. My funeral, who gets what, tell my sister to get rid of the brown bag underneath the couch, strict directions to bury my Harry Potter collection with me (sigh), so much stuff to plan for when you’re dying, with so little time.

And then I realize I’m not dying, I’m actually very stressed, and that’s why I’m having the headaches. Or my stomach hurts because I only ate once, and have gas that’s why I feel like I’m dying. Or the bruises - I don’t have cancer, I just got off my period and have low iron, blah blah blah.

The thing is, people don’t know how to properly diagnose themselves.

Here’s the thing about diagnosing yourself; you can’t just go and Google yourself. You can't just go straight to the doctor or hospital, because that shit costs money. When you’ve been feeling under the weather you have to ask yourself Why? If you think back to every hospital visit or doctor's appointment, don’t they usually ask you a crap ton of questions?

For example: How long have you been feeling like this? When did you start feeling like this? Have you been doing something different other than your daily habits? What do you do all day? Are you active? What’s your diet like? etc. Doctors I find are basically playing a game of what could it be by what you tell them. (REMEMBER these questions. I’ll be referring back to it)

For example:

Just a month ago my brother was convinced he had heart failure. Why? Well, he’d been having chest pain for about two weeks. Which is kind of scary, I admit! But let me give you some history:

1. We lost a cousin to heart failure (cousin by marriage, but still scary)

2. My brother just had a birthday, and he turned 24, YAY!!!!

3. He’s been celebrating for the past 3 weeks; you know, beer, spicy food, taco’s, burgers, pizza, etc.

4. He’s my brother, so he’s paranoid like me.

5. He more or less hates his job.

My brother was convinced he was dying. He called our mom one night and told her his thoughts. He also told a friend about his pain, and they told him it was probably heart failure. So you know it had to be true, right? NOT! (Do not ever listen to your friends, just go to the doctor if you’re feeling concerned) We knew this wasn’t a possibility. I mean, it is always a possibility, don’t get me wrong, but for him absolutely not, as he’s a healthy young man. He’s not overweight, doesn’t do drugs, blah, blah, blah, he’s a healthy young man basically.

So, I did what most doctors do. I played detective and asked him QUESTIONS! (please refer to the underlined questions above). And then thought of his history and past few weeks. Why would he be having chest pains and what could it be? Wasn’t his birthday a few weeks ago, hadn’t he been celebrating more than usual? So he’s been ingesting a lot of foods/drinking more than usual, hmmm?

Most don’t need to Google this, but it could be a variety of things: Gas (Gas is a silent killer and hurts like a bitch and can stick around for a very long time. Also caused by stuff you consume.) Acid Reflux (another silent killer, initially heartburn or acid indigestion, there’s a variety of reasons you can get this one, but let’s stick to his diet). Then there’s Stress, (which is one of the most popular serial killers, I know). My brother's been stressed at work. so you know stress. Last but not least Allergies.I know, lame, but he has allergies. Depending on how the weather is, he could have a sneezing or coughing fit whenever. All these things can cause chest pains!

So what do you think it is? Gas, Acid Reflux, Stress, Allergies?????????? Drum roll...

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ACID REFLUX with a twist of stress.

See, easy!

Hmm this brings back fond times when I thought I had hand cancer… find out it was just the Jergens new tanning lotion. Smh! Fun times!

There is almost always an easy answer, but by no means will this always work out. If you’re not feeling well, please go to the doctor and get properly checked out. Get a full work up, hell. I’m all for those; just don’t Google and think it’s the end of the world.

Before you Google try to figure out what’s wrong, ask yourself what’s been going on with your life to make you feel this way. Because it’s always something really simple. I’m not saying this is always the case, by all means take your ass to the hospital or to your doctor get checked out. But please think before you diagnose yourself with stage four brain cancer.

Anyway, I want to alert you to the website Web MD, which is an online publisher of news and information pertaining to human health and well-being. At least, that’s what the Wikipedia page says. It’s actually a sentence to death for most. Web MD, don’t get me wrong, is a pretty good site, but it also gives you the worst case scenario. So if you do Google yourself, be aware.

And then there’s Mayo Clinic, which often helps by giving us a symptom checker, which is exactly how it sounds; you check off the things that are bothering you, and then it follows up by giving you possible causes. This also has its positives and negatives.

Googlers be smart! Think before you Google, or just go to the doctor!