Here we are, one year later. A lot of things have changed between us. Some for good. Some for worse.

Time changes people. Distance changes people. We definitely have had some time and distance away from each other. You left some time after school got out. We still had yet to hang out though. We didn’t talk for three months. I thought about you the entire time though. Little sprouts of memories of you would come to me at the most random times. I truly did miss you.

I said I only liked you. I lied. I did not like you. I loved you. I still love you. Who knew a person could be so afraid to love. I did not want to admit my feelings for you. It was hard to even admit to myself how I felt for you, let alone tell you how I felt.

When I saw your name pop up on my phone screen after months of no communication, my heart dropped. Instantly I replied. I never wanted to stop talking to you. I missed you so dearly.

Snapchat became our main form of communication. When I saw a picture of you, I could have sworn I squealed. Childish maybe, but I definitely did not care. You had grown to be sexier. Never had I seen that coming. You were already eye candy. You matured. You grew into your facial features. You cut your hair off. Many things about you had changed, especially attitude.

Over weeks, we talked and then you finally openly admitted to your feelings for me again. You apologized for not being with me when you could. You told me, “I was trying to protect you.” The anger in me swelled but so did the sadness and happiness. I wanted you so badly. I still want you. I don’t think I’ll ever stop wanting you.

You kept asking me to be yours. I kept denying you. I should have said yes, but instead, I kept saying next time you see me ask me in person and you’ll get your answer. You are 14 hours away from me. I had no clue when I’d see you next, but I had hoped it would be soon.

You kept telling me your feelings and I reciprocated as always. Until one day, things changed. I knew instantly something was wrong. We got into an argument so to say. I had yet to tell you my true feelings. That night during the argument I did I told you subtly, “You make me go from loving you to wanting to kill you in 2.78 seconds”. You ended up realizing I had said I loved you. You questioned me and I spilled. I told you I loved you for a long time and spewed my undying love for you. You simply replied with, “I love you too. That’s what I’m scared of.” I had no idea what that meant. All I knew in that moment was that the guy I loved, loved me too.

Great news came shortly after. You were coming to visit around the holidays. I knew we were not going to see each other much. I just wanted to see you only once. That’s all my heart desired.

I got what I wanted. I saw you. Things happened. That night I did not want anything to end. I wanted to be stuck in that moment. That’s all I wanted. I wanted you with me forever. I was selfish. I knew you weren’t mine but in those moments it felt like you were. God, I love you.

I don’t know if there’s a future between us. Again, you told me, “I don’t want to hurt you.” You said, “You deserve everything and I want to give you my 100%, but I can’t right now.” I really don’t understand. I cry a lot over you. I try not to bring it up though. I just want you to be happy. That’s all I want for you. Even if that happiness is not me. You deserve the world despite what anyone says and despite what you say.

I said before that you were my bad new crush. Well, I figured out you're not bad. You are just different. Different is good. You are no longer a new crush. Instead, you are a guy I love. They say you only tell a person goodbye if you want to see something or someone again. I guess I should say goodbye to a relationship between us for now.

Until next time, goodbye my almost lover.