The good days are the days when getting out of bed doesn’t feel like a chore, it feels like a privilege. These days are the ones where I can clearly see God’s beauty in the mornings and how much joy there is in living another day.
The good days are the days when the cobwebs are cleared from my mind. My thoughts aren’t muddled by anxiety or depression, and all of a sudden I see opportunity. I can envision the different ways I can seize the day. I feel unburdened by my to-do list. I don’t get overwhelmed by the little things.
I love the good days.
On a good day, I can wake up and see the world in color instead of shades of gray. Everything looks a little brighter and cheerier, even if I'm wearing all black most of the time. I slip on a cardigan, put on real people pants, and get my morning coffee. I can finish my school work in record time and instead of curling up to watch Netflix, I decide to clear my to-do list and really be productive.
First I'll do some laundry that has been piling up for weeks. I go to the grocery store and restock everything, maybe I'll even clean out the pantry and fridge and reorganize them. I clean and clean until everything is spotless and I feel proud of something for once. On a really good day, I cook a dinner that doesn't involve anything frozen.There is nothing that seems out of my reach and nothing that can bring me down. That's what it feels like to have a good day.
The good days are what keep me going. Rachel Tilley wrote in a blog post for To Write Love On Her Arms, "But even on my worst day in recovery, I am worlds away from my best days in my illness." This is a quote that I cling to when I am drowning in the bad days. On my worst day, when I feel like there is nothing left for me here and “I give up” seems less like a consolation and more like the only way to get more air in my lungs, I try and think of the good days. I remember that no matter how terrible things seem in the moment, the lows I experienced in the depths of my illness were worse. The lows I felt before recovery remain in a place that I refuse to return to.
I think the difficult thing for people to understand about anxiety sufferers is how good we are at making every day look like a good day. I have become a master at plastering the mask on my face and trudging through my obligations without anyone knowing how painful everyday life can be for me. But on the good days, those who really know me can tell. I am naturally chipper, there is no bite to my voice. On the good days, my eyes smile with my mouth.
Don’t forget that there are good days. I know for someone reading this, it might seem like there are no good things left in this world, and you don’t have a memory of the last time you felt the joy of the sun on your face. All I can tell you is, the good days will come again. They don’t come with the new job, or the better car, or the bigger house. They don’t even come with the college degree or the better partner. The good days are found in recovery. The good days will come when you make the decision to get help, to get better, and to work for your future.
Remember the good days. Remember that the sun always rises, there is always a silver lining, and someone always loves you.
