During my first semester of college, I called my older brother very late at night on the phone. I was crying, and he tried to respond to the emotional whirlwind I had just sucked him into. I told him that I did not want to end up like "that girl"--I had seen a story about a girl who, perfectly happy on the outside and a student athlete, was plagued with depression on the inside. She ended up taking her own life.
When I started school, I was excited for it. I liked going to class, I liked doing activities with my new friends, I joined organizations, I went to the gym--I did it all. At least, I wanted to do it all. I loved staying busy, and I had initially chalked it up to wanting to experience everything college had to offer. Instead, something darker was churning inside of me, lying in wait, ready to throw my life into chaos.
I have been religious all my life, and a regular church goer since middle school. I remember being young and talking to God out loud, especially outside, and asking Him questions, willing Him to answer me back. I continued to attend Church when I went away to college, and I even joined a Catholic sorority. After attending a Catholic high school, it just seemed like the right thing to do.
When I returned home for winter break, everything was different. Over Thanksgiving, my father had fallen ill, and had been in the hospital. He was stable and functioning, but the thought weighed on me constantly. I felt out of place with my friends from home and I felt like I had nowhere to go: I did not want to go home, I did not want to turn to my friends, and I was not even sure if I wanted to go go back to school.
While I was still at home for winter break, I was driving home from a friend's house one snowy night, and as I drove down the street, I thought to myself, "What if I just drove into that street lamp? Would anyone care?" And I promptly burst into tears and cried harder than I had over the past several weeks.
I thought God had abandoned me, but I could not see in that moment, that He had been there all along.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me." I was in my dark valley, but I had no reason to be upset. I cast my worries, my anxieties and problems, onto God, and I finally felt hopeful.
Remaining faithful during my time in college has truly changed and saved my life. Without relying on God for support, for comfort, for strength, I am truly not certain I could have continued.
It would have been so easy for me to give up on God, and believe me, I wanted to. I wanted to stop trying to do His will, because I was angry at Him: why was He letting me be miserable?
I realized that He was not letting me be miserable--He was helping grow in my love for Him, helping me see that I can rely on Him for everything. I had no need to be worried or stressed, because I knew that God would take care of me.
College has been far from the perfect experience, but through my faith in God, I have learned to have more faith in myself. I am stronger because of what I have been through. I cannot predict the future, and I cannot know what God will have in store for me. I do know that, no matter what, I will never give up on Him, because He has not given up on me.
