When we are younger, we are taught the importance of giving consent. But I never knew what it would be like to be put in such a situation in which I had to define my own consent.
Before I was 16, I had only kissed one guy, but at that age I might as well had never been kissed because my experience with any physical interaction with a person of the opposite sex was very minimal. But in my junior year of high school, I was given the chance to date someone. That someone was a mere acquaintance that a mutual friend had set up for me. I was 16 and he was 19, I had never met him prior to our first date, as how a usual blind date goes. All I can say is that I was young and naïve and had no idea what position I was going to put myself into. When we are that young, all we want is for someone to love us and to love back. I didn’t want to screw up my first chance at a first love. But this wasn’t love, he did not love me and had no intentions to do so.
Since this was the first time we had met, on our date we tried to get to know each other. But he controlled the conversation and was the one to ask questions one after another only about my past relationships and my experience with guys. From the information he gathered, he knew that I was a very innocent 16-year-old girl who had no experience with dating. Him knowing that he was the first guy to ever take me out, gave him the idea to see how far I would let him go with me.
He told me I was beautiful, and just like that I was caught into a trance. He was the first guy to ever say that to me. When I thought our date had reached an end, his plan finally started to take action. He pulled me into his car and from there I was put into complete and utter shock. He wasted no time whatsoever to go from kissing me to placing his hands in places I wasn’t ready for them to be.
When I say I went into complete and utter shock, I really did. My body began to vigorously shake, I remember looking at my hands and trying to get them to stay still. He kept telling me that they were shaking because it was a sign that I was "turned on." At the time I thought what he said was true and so I let things continue. I had become a puppet; I let him do whatever he wanted to do to me. My shaking became so severe that it felt like I became paralyzed, even if I tried to speak, no words would come out.
I never said "No," but I never gave him permission to pull me into his car, to kiss me with the intentions to distract me when placing his hands all over my body. As I look back, my body went into shock as a sign to tell me that my body wasn’t mentally ready for anything he did with me. And as far as I know, he knew that too but gave me an excuse to stay with him. I was scared to reject him; I didn’t want to ruin my chance at a first love.
I don’t blame him more than I blame myself. I shouldn’t have let my insecurities allow for what happened. I am 18 and still don’t know what love is, but as far as I know, if someone truly loved me, they would have taken things slower to accommodate my innocence. I should have never gone on a date with someone who was in college while I was in high school; those are different stages of life and innocence deteriorates the older you get. This experience from high school will forever haunt me; I am left with heavy trust issues with any guy I encounter, and I don’t fall in love easily. Maybe its for the best because I know the importance of saying “no” when I don’t feel comfortable, and will never let another guy take advantage of me.
