We’ve all been there before, and if you haven’t, then leave this article and go enjoy your Perfect Life on your Expensive Yacht surrounded by Beautiful People and Rainbow Clouds. Break-ups suck, and whether it was your idea, theirs, or a mutual decision, you still have to spend some time getting over it. Here are the stages of going through a break-up, as told by the Parks Department of Pawnee.
1. The morning after
In the very beginning, it feels like the world might actually be over, especially if you didn’t see it coming. This stage includes a lot of ugly crying and trying to convince yourself that it’s just temporary, even though three days later your ex is now someone else’s current.
I’m not bitter.
2. Leaning on your friends
Friends are great. When you go through a break-up, not all of your friends are going to support you in the same way. There’s the friend you lean on the hardest:
The friend who never believed in relationships, anyway:
And the friend who is a little too eager to get you back into the dating world:
Regardless of their differences, these friends are all very important in the process of moving on and just want what’s best for you.
3. Trying to figure out what the f*ck actually happened
This stage includes a lot of ranting to your friends about fights they don't understand and rehashing the same arguments over and over again, trying to figure out where everything went wrong. In this stage, you end up coming to the conclusion that the break-up really is the best thing, even if you’re still not fully ready to accept it.
4. Empowerment
Shortly after you sort out what went wrong, you start to feel like you’re ready to take on the world. That’s right, you’re living for you now. You don’t even care about the break-up. You’re happy. They were messy anyway, and snored when they slept. Who would put up with that? I bet no one would. I wonder if someone is. Is someone else putting up with them? I can just check. It doesn’t hurt to check…
5. Self-destructive social media stalking
This phase is the worst and the dumbest, maybe, and probably the reason this generation is so God awful at getting over relationships. Just when you start to feel better, or at least when you don’t feel quite as badly, curiosity creeps in and you decide to check their Instagram or Twitter or Facebook to see if they’re posting vague, sad tweets about missing you, too. But they’re not. They seem just fine, actually. And that new mystery girl sure is in an awful lot of their pictures…
6. Back to square one
You did this to yourself. Let’s just try to move on gracefully.
7. Alcohol
Nothing says graceful like alcohol. It’s been what, like three weeks? Nothing else is working. It’s time to get drunk. At least you’re getting out of the house.
8. Regret
You wake up the next day with a fat headache and somewhere between five and 500 unanswered texts to your ex about your eternal love and something about how that new girl has a wonk eye and about how you also hate them and will wait for them forever. This phase is also called “rock bottom” and if you’ve never been there, you’re a dirty liar.
9. Remembering to love yourself, for real this time
Sometimes, someone has to make you feel your absolute worst for you to remember how important it is to love yourself. Before you go all “ugHHhh here we go with the clichés” on me, it’s true. As supportive and helpful as friends and family can be, you are the only one who can get inside your own head and truly remind yourself what makes you proud to be you. Sometimes, you need to be your own best friend and take care of yourself a little.
10. Moving on
Eventually, you’re going to lose the urge to check up on their lives. You’ll stop secretly wishing for a text from them each day and you’ll start feeling excited at the prospect of a new first date instead of feeling slightly nauseous. One day, the last time you get your heartbroken will truly be the last time, and you’ll find your person and forget why you ever ugly-cried over the wrong ones.
Until then, don’t forget to treat yo’self.
