Today, July 7, 2016, my brother was diagnosed with stage three lymphoma. My brother. The sweet man who is a father, a son, an uncle and a husband was given life-changing news. He never saw it coming; none of us did. We were told that in the next few weeks, his treatment will begin. My brother, a healthy 36-year-old man. My brother, the man who wouldn't hurt a fly. My brother, a man who has always believed and trusted in God. Today, our lives were forever changed. Today, I gave up on God.
I lived out today like any other day. I was at a restaurant when I received the news. I even went shopping afterwards. I was in shock, and I refused to believe that I had actually heard the words I heard spoken. It wasn't until I got home that I let myself feel the pain. It wasn't until I got home that the tears came.
I gave up on God today. I sat on our front porch. I recalled memories of us. I let a couple of tears fall. I talked with the dogs. I sang gospel songs. I got mad. I became angry with God. I got mad at the doctors who didn't catch this months ago. I wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all. Today, I gave up on God.
I allowed fear to enter my heart, and my mind. I questioned His plan for our lives. I asked if this is seriously His will. I gave up the faith. I wanted to sit down, and give up on life. I wanted to pause my life. I wanted to rewind time. I wanted to pray, but the words never came.
In the midst of my shock, and my anger, I gave up on God. I gave up on God letting us plan our own lives. I gave up on God letting us call the shots. I gave up on relying on my own plans for life. Today, I gave up on God.
The hardest part is ahead. Chemotherapy will begin within the next month, God willing. Our family will be tested. I am still in shock, and I know the reality of this will hit me full force in the upcoming days. I know I will lose my composure, and I know that God will be waiting for me when I fall. In the midst of this storm, I will fervently pray for both my brother and my family. My dear sweet friends, please help me pray, and above all, remember that tomorrow is not promised. Live while you're alive. Give your all to God, and give up on Him allowing you to plan your life. Give up on Him allowing you to have the final say. He has the final say. He sees the whole picture. He knows more than your friends, your advisors, and even the doctors. He has all the power. Walk boldly and strongly in the Lord. Stand firm in the faith.
