Dear future wife,

I just want to start this letter by saying that when I meet you, I am confident that the Lord will show me that you are going to protect and treasure my heart. I believe that the Lord's future plans for me are good and I want to believe that you are good too.

Now that I have said that, I want to warn you, my life isn't sunshine and rainbows.

It is a dark pit of hopelessness. There is a lot of very dark, horrible events that happened in my past and every once in a while, it comes back up to haunt me. One example is Christmas. The abuse I have gone through when I was younger comes back up during the holidays. So if I get drunk, just know it is not about you. You are not the cause of it.

I have ridden this monster for years. I hope to be rid of it by the time I marry you, but if I'm not, I need you to be strong, but compassionate when I am too weak to hold on.

The PTSD creeps up on me during the holidays, and every holiday the monsters run rampant in my head.

I usually seclude myself both emotionally and physically and let the flashbacks play over in my head. I have to let them play over in my head because I am too weak to fight back against them. I seclude myself because I don't want to let my darkness take your light. I know my depression and PTSD will be a weight on your shoulders, no matter how I try to shield you from it. You will try to save me and I will pull you down. I will be an anvil on your feet and a burden you shouldn't have to bear.

It is during these moments that I will love and appreciate you more.

These moments where I am so broken, I can't lift myself out of the bed without encouragement. I promise you that I will try to be strong for you, but the truth is, I can't always be strong for you. I know I will fail, but I know my God is good and if I am blessed by Him with a wife, I know he will provide a woman who is gentle enough to help me through tough times. This is a two-way street.

I promise to be there for you as well.

To lift you up when you are down as much as I humanly can. I promise you I will point you and me to the one who can truly help us and strengthen us, Our Heavenly Father. I expect you to point me to Christ during my hard times because this is something you something you should take on alone. I don't expect you to deal with me alone. The Lord can strengthen you in ways I can't. Trust the Lord and love the Lord always.

Love your future husband Matt.