To think for about 23 years of my life I have learned the hard way for living paycheck to paycheck and not being able to join in on the fun with the rest of my peers. I learned when I was a teenager that things would never come easy, you have to work hard until every bone in your body aches and bleeds. I had to grow up fast and cry on the inside all the things I would be missing because I have to be the adult when I was just only 18-years-old. Most of the kids at that age are getting ready to have an epic senior trip for the summer right before they go off to college in the fall. Finding themselves.

I went through some difficult series of events in myself, I'm still affected by those events until this very day and my heart turned upside down as I'm writing this. I have never been shy to talk about the things that had happened to me during the past few years because it shaped me into the hard working independent young woman that I am today. When I talk about it gives me another reminder to never let the past repeat itself. 'Break the cycle,' says my inner voice. I have to break it. The cycle went on for too long and it's up to me to not let that be my life anymore. To give you more of an insight and what I mean by all of this I'll give the short version of my life's story as much as I can put it into a short version.

When my family was still so a 'called family', it was a very toxic experience leaving under one roof. Much of my childhood consisted of moving every four to six months. I've lived in an apartment, a house (rarely), or a hotel. Hotels were my home for a long time. As being a child at the time I never really understood all the moving but it was only when I got older I began to understand what was happening in my 'family'. My father was a very sketchy unstable man. My mother gave up a lot just to raise my sister and me, then on top of that, deal with my father's antics. I remember all the fights they had and I would just blast music in my room as loud as it would go. 'I just want to leave', I thought to myself. I hated the way we lived constantly moving never knowing if this home is going to last. On the edge knowing someday we would have to leave because we're being evicted. Again! It's a wonder how I managed to stay in the same high school for all four years. I lost count how many times I've moved but I would always have to make up a lousy excuse to my friends every time I had to move. I was embarrassed for most parts of it but when it becomes something that happens a lot I was just so over it that I needed to tell someone. So I told my then best friend, and really she was supportive and understanding. After that, I didn't feel embarrassed because at the end of the day I couldn't control the things that happened because I was only a teenager and I just had to hope there was something good to come out of all this moving.

Unfortunately, it wasn't something good. After a few years later in 2014 I ended up homeless. Let me tell you when I was living in a hotel, according to the State of Florida you are homeless, at least that's what I was told in school. So obviously being homeless was nothing new to me in the sense of the word. But that year was a year I learned the hard way that blood doesn't mean anything. My father came home one day and decided to tell us he gave the house back to the owner and sold our furniture. He said we had one week to find somewhere else to live. Can you imagine getting that news shortly after having a long day at work, taking two buses to go home, and walking almost a mile home in the Florida heat? It's not something I took lightly. I couldn't understand why or how he could just do that to his family. Weeks before the light was cut off and we had to deal with it like we always did because that wasn't really new to us. With that being said the fights of my dad quitting his job and expecting us to always fix everything came into question. I was 20-years-old at the time and I was already dealing with anxiety and depression. Within that year I hit a deep end that only made everything worse apparently. But moving on, thankfully my sister, my mom and I we were going to Puerto Rico for my cousin's wedding so in a way we had somewhere to go while we figured out what to do next. Months after that whole ordeal I began breaking down fighting with my whole family and just determined to keep working and find a way out.

Almost a year later I didn't think it could get much worse but it did. I ended up really homeless. For real, no hotel, nothing. My mother and I ended up at women's shelter in Downtown Orlando and I thought about a lot of things during that time. For example, how could my life end up the way it did? I should be in college, traveling the world, finding myself! But I was doing the opposite of everything I wanted. One night I sat down with my mom and told her I couldn't live like this anymore I am going to apply for the college of my dreams and just go for it. I was going to leave Florida. My mom looked at me with no emotions and said okay. She said she was going to go back to PR because there was really nothing holding her here. So, that was the plan. I looked up all the information I needed to apply to the school I originally wanted to go and that was that.

Then the most unthinkable happened. My mom was having a lot of troubling symptoms that something was obviously wrong with her health but my mom is one stubborn woman. You can't tell her anything because she always knows best. But one day her legs were extremely swollen and I knew those were signs of a clot. I became extremely worried and I told her we were going to the hospital whether she liked it or not. That's exactly what we ended up doing. They admitted her, took her vitals and did the necessary check-ups and exams to make sure she didn't have a clot in her legs. We waited a long time for the results from radiology. After a few hours, we met with the doctor he took my mom to another room, then shortly came after me and that's when my life turned upside down. They found a mass in my mother's colon. Pretty big that you couldn't miss it.

After the next coming days we were told it was Colon Cancer, it was in an advanced stage so they moved quickly to start her on Chemotherapy. I gave up the dream to go to college once again to take care of my family. No one was going to do it and my sister's relationship with our mother was extremely complicated and ultimately once again I had to step up. It was been hard and only got harder as they started doing radiation. It killed me every day to see her in pain and not know how to help but there wasn't anything I could do just be there and give her what she needed. No one knows the hardship I went through every day to make sure we were okay and had what we needed to get by.

Now, a year later I can proudly say my mother is cancer free. The cancer took something big from her but it gave her something better. A chance to live! I am still working extremely hard and only hoping I can now catch up on what I've missed throughout the years 'growing up'. I've made some incredible friends this past year and I don't think I've would've made it this long (without mentally breaking down) without them. They were my rock when all this was going on. Though I am still living paycheck to paycheck and paying my dues in some ways I find myself expanding my mind, especially in writing. It's one of my greatest escapes. I hope as the year rolls over I continue to grow, spread my wings a little more and get to know more about myself in a liberated state.

I guess now you're reading this and probably thinking this is deep -- why write about it.. Well my friend, I did it more for myself than anyone. I guess I needed closure for all the crazy things I went through since I was a kid. For years I went on to hate my father but now I don't feel anything towards him. He's just another person to me. He was a part of me being born -- I thank him for that because I was given a great family filled with cousins, an aunt, an uncle, a grandmother; and a few siblings. One, in particular, I got the chance to be close with. Other than that I can't say I'm grateful or owe him anything. The day he chose to leave, was the day that I was truly liberated from a toxic family. A toxic life. It hasn't been easy since but my life has been a lot calmer without him and for that, I am forever grateful. For sure I now know that something great with come out of this and I know to my future family I'll do better. My life is the example of the lifestyle I don't ever want to repeat again.