An Open Letter To My High School Self

An Open Letter To My High School Self

Yet another letter from a college student to a high school student trying to get them to listen to their advice.
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Dear high school self,

Stop working so hard. You're stressing yourself out and you aren't taking any time to enjoy high school. I promise you that you are going to get into the college that you want, so if it is one in the morning you need to put your laptop away and go to sleep. At this point your brain isn't functioning well enough to think straight anyways and when you wake up and read your essay it won't make any sense. I promise that one bad test grade is not going to ruin your entire GPA. Stop comparing yourself to everybody. I don't care if your best friend seems way smarter than you because you are brilliant in so many different ways and your grades do not define that. However, stop saying that you don't care about your grades because that is a lie and it does not make you cool.

Pretending to be dumb is not attractive to guys. Lose the fake voice and show them what you can do. But don't ever do anything for a guy, do it for you instead. Don't let a guy determine your self worth. If you want to wear a dress and do your makeup nice, do it for you. If you want to wear pajamas to school because it's been a rough week, than do it for you. You are allowed to look pretty for yourself and not care about what other people think. I promise that you are not as big as you think you are, so stop worrying about your weight. Eating healthy and going to the gym does not need to be to lose weight. It is simply taking care of your body which is something that you struggle with a lot. You need to work on it more, but I promise that you are not fat. You just need to learn how to love yourself a little more because you can't love anyone else if you don't love yourself.

And speaking of loving someone else, I promise that a breakup is not the end of the world. Stop telling yourself that one day in a coffee shop down the road you may run into him and everything will be different and he will fall in love all over again. I know it has taken a long time to get over him even though you wish it hasn't, and I know that sometimes you still check up on him to see what is going on in his life. But I promise that you do not have to, and one day you will stop checking up on him because you won't care anymore. You have spent far too much time in high school worrying about relationships and drama and that has been the source of so much of your stress. Stop it. I promise you, it is better to enjoy high school with your friends and worry about all the relationship drama down the road after school.

If you can't figure out what you want to do with your life, I promise you that it is okay because you eventually will. Nobody really knows what they want to do with their lives at this point in time. And even when you get to college, you may change that. It is okay. Join clubs, but only the ones you know you have time for. It sucks letting people down and I know you hate to do that. But some of those clubs will help you figure your life out. Try new things. Experience something you never thought you would.

Go out with your friends. I know that some nights you need to stay in bed and watch a movie, but don't do it every night. You will want the memories down the road when you reminisce about high school. Find friends based on their personalities, not what they look like. If someone constantly uses you and only hits you up when they want something, they are not your real friend. And when your best friend leaves you to go to a different school, call her when you need her. She will move on and it will be difficult, but I promise she will always be there. Don't feel like you are intruding just because she has new friends. She still cares.

Your favorite teacher will become one of your best friends. Don't listen to things that people say about her because you are entitled to your own opinion. She will always be there for you to let you cry to her and offer advice and she will be one of the few people throughout high school who will actually treat you like an adult. You're going to need her a lot junior year.

Go to prom. I know you have it set in your mind that you don't want to but go. It will be dumb and overpriced, but if you surround yourself with good people it will be an amazing night regardless. Go to homecoming, even if you're the only senior. Go to football games even if you hate football because some of your best memories will be spent in that stadium. Go on field trips and volunteer in events. Actually try during the mile in gym because I promise that you can surprise yourself with how well you can run. And when the cross country coach stops you (which he will) actually listen to him when he says there are ways of transporting you to and from places when your parents are working.

I promise that you have so many good things coming for you. I won't spoil any of them, but just know that you will overcome fears and meet some of the greatest people. Even if you decide you hate high school, you can make the most of it. It will shape a lot of your life and will be the last teenage years of your life. Stop stressing so much. Slow down and enjoy things and you wont regret it.

With lots of love and experience,

Your future college self

Cover Image Credit: Huffington Post

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To The Friends I Won't Talk To After High School

I sincerely hope, every great quality I saw in you, was imprinted on the world.
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Hey,

So, for the last four years I’ve seen you almost everyday. I’ve learned about your annoying little brother, your dogs and your crazy weekend stories. I’ve seen you rock the awful freshman year fashion, date, attend homecoming, study for AP tests, and get accepted into college.

Thank you for asking me about my day, filling me in on your boy drama and giving me the World History homework. Thank you for complimenting my outfits, laughing at me presenting in class and listening to me complain about my parents. Thank you for sending me your Quizlets and being excited for my accomplishments- every single one of them. I appreciate it all because I know that soon I won’t really see you again. And that makes me sad. I’ll no longer see your face every Monday morning, wave hello to you in the hallways or eat lunch with you ever again. We won't live in the same city and sooner or later you might even forget my name.

We didn’t hang out after school but none the less you impacted me in a huge way. You supported my passions, stood up for me and made me laugh. You gave me advice on life the way you saw it and you didn’t have to but you did. I think maybe in just the smallest way, you influenced me. You made me believe that there’s lots of good people in this world that are nice just because they can be. You were real with me and that's all I can really ask for. We were never in the same friend group or got together on the weekends but you were still a good friend to me. You saw me grow up before your eyes and watched me walk into class late with Starbucks every day. I think people like you don’t get enough credit because I might not talk to you after high school but you are still so important to me. So thanks.

With that said, I truly hope that our paths cross one day in the future. You can tell me about how your brothers doing or how you regret the college you picked. Or maybe one day I’ll see you in the grocery store with a ring on your finger and I’ll be so happy you finally got what you deserved so many guys ago.

And if we ever do cross paths, I sincerely hope you became everything you wanted to be. I hope you traveled to Italy, got your dream job and found the love of your life. I hope you have beautiful children and a fluffy dog named Charlie. I hope you found success in love before wealth and I hope you depended on yourself for happiness before anything else. I hope you visited your mom in college and I hope you hugged your little sister every chance you got. She’s in high school now and you always tell her how that was the time of your life. I sincerely hope, every great quality I saw in you, was imprinted on the world.

And hey, maybe I’ll see you at the reunion and maybe just maybe you’ll remember my face. If so, I’d like to catch up, coffee?

Sincerely,

Me

Cover Image Credit: High school Musical

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I Wonder If You'd Be Proud of Me

Or if you even think of me at all.

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I wonder if you'd be proud of me.

My first thought when I wake up in the morning is whether or not you still think of me. I think about if I am wearing the right outfit if I were to see you that day. I think about if I am saying the right thing for you to want to want me again.

Throughout my day, I think about whether or not you're happy. I wonder if the feeling in my heart of missing who I thought you were is making its way to you. Sometimes I think about what I did to make you hate me as much as you do.

Sometimes when things get really hard, I think about picking up the phone to call you. Time keeps passing from the last time I saw you and during that time I've painted a picture of you that would probably only disappoint me in the end. Your phone number still sits in my phone and I go to your contact, wanting to call, but knowing that at the other end is not the person I used to know.

I wonder if you watch me. I wonder if the posts I make, pictures I post, and articles I write are viewed by you and whether or not you care to even search my name. I wonder if you ask people about me or if you care to know the person I am today.

Without you, I have changed. It has been two years and though time will only continue moving on without you, I wonder what would have happened if I didn't make the choices I made to make you react in the way you have.

When the sun shines bright on the flowers blooming around campus, I think of your jokes and sarcastic wit. When the rain pours from the sky and keeps me imprisoned within the walls of a building, I think of ways I felt imprisoned by you. When clouds form shapes in the sky that I can make stories out of, I think of the way life could've been.

Sometimes I write to you. They are the letters I can never send because I have to remind myself that though we knew each other once, you do not know me anymore. The picture in my mind of who you are now is someone who'd love me with open arms, but I know that there's no truth in that. It's only my wishful thinking out to break my heart once more.

I wonder if you hear me when I try talking to you. I wonder if the words I tell God are making their way to you as you go on living the life we always talked about when times get tough. I wonder if you're talking to God about me.

As I watch the sunset, I think about the last moment I was with you. As that chapter ended, I was only wishfully thinking that walking away would save me from further pain. In the end, I don't know about how life would've been different had it not happened.

When my picture of you gets too bright and I share it with others, I am reminded of reality. The screaming, crying, pushing, shoving, and hitting touches my skin once more in the form of flashbacks that push me further down into the depths of a depression. I am reminded of the hundreds of suicidal thoughts and letters that I've written once before.

No matter what, my heart still yearns for a hug. A hug where I can bury myself into your body and feel safe. A hug where I forget every worry in my mind and focus solely on the love.

I wonder if you'd still love me if I changed myself to be the person you've always wanted me to be. I wonder if you'd forgive me for walking away, even if it was for me to change to be a better person. I wonder if you'll ever even read this.

Days like today, I want to go back in time. I sit on the benches around campus and look up at the sky, down at the cars passing by, and listen to life move on all around me as I remain stuck. I hear people talking, see them laughing, and wonder if there's any way I could one day feel as alive as they do.

The truth is that I was never enough for you. No matter how much I changed, kept notes of what you liked so I could be like that, or just kept my head down and moved silently, nothing was ever enough.

No matter what, though, I still yearn to be loved in the way that I picture you should've loved me. Closure does not exist. You were the ones who were supposed to hold me down. But now I am nothing to you...I was always nothing to you.

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