Hi . . . to whomever is reading this,
I just want to tell you that I haven't always had the best of luck when getting close to someone. I know, that probably sounds like something you hear all the time; but I think that's only because it's hard to trust people these days. For me, I feel like it's a double whammy. I have to be careful not to show "too much" of myself during a first impression, to keep that part of me in check. And what I mean by "too much of myself" is my anxiety - basically everything that goes on in my brain that is a bit . . . neurotic.
I wish it wasn't that way, but it's only because I've been pushed away a handful of times. I guess I just want to know that once I reveal that part of me, that crucial and fragile part of me, you won't say goodbye and leave me high and dry like all of my mental imperfections are one deal breaker. I've had this happen way too many times, so yes. My only wish is that you see me for more than my flaws and to not get freaked out or afraid when I have my moments of anxiety, depression, of obsessive compulsiveness. There's way more to me than that - and trust me, they're all worth it in the long run.
My first boyfriend broke up with me after making me feel like I was this crazy, insane psycho girlfriend. We were seventeen years old, so we were beyond juvenile and ignorant to the whole dating thing; but nonetheless, he nonchalantly made me believe I was so messed up - more messed up than I actually thought I was. It was a long, draining night of tears - so much so that I felt like my eyes had magically turned into faucets. He wouldn't take my calls, my texts, nothing. My best friend had to call him because he wouldn't answer to me, and she asked him if he was going to break up to me, to which he responded "Of course not. I would never hurt her". I was crazy for him, I'll admit that, but I was seventeen and insecure, and I don't even think I fully knew it yet. He blamed everything on me, and the reason he pushed me away was because I was overbearing. I was overbearing because I was sad, and he was my everything. But the way he treated me afterwards was the worst. After a night of immense anxiety and unanswered questions, I stared at the ceiling, feeling the tears seeping into my red face and feeling utterly exhausted. When we got back together almost a year later, he told me that I had "really grown up". Back then, I thought it was a romantic response and it made me happy. Looking back, it was a manipulative remark - I shouldn't have had to prove myself to anyone but myself, but he made me feel like I had to change for his approval. If I understood what he meant back then, it would have made me feel so small.
The second time I was forced away was by the same guy, and he told me that he felt like he was my therapist. It's simple, but the words stung and have stayed in the back of my mind since then; not as strong, but still lingering. That was one of the big things that made me feel insecure about who I was, as his subtle remarks and actions caused me to feel so insignificant and more or less a problem. I was more determined to keep that weird, broken part of me out of the light as if they did not exist. Just as every guy I got close to started to push me away, I too began pushing things away - my faults.
I've never had an actual boyfriend who loved me regardless of my mental illnesses. It was always awkwardly brought up, or forced into conversations as if it was that big of a problem, or the support was supposedly genuine when it didn't feel that way at all. Everything was just unnatural. It was either artificial support that I was receiving, or nothing but annoyance towards me. I don't know what it's like to be in a healthy relationship - I wish I did.
So please. Don't give up on me the first chance you get - because I couldn't bear to be pushed away like all the other times.