When I was 19, I got my first real job. It was a job working at a summer camp.
During training for that job, everyone immediately scrambled to find new friends. Being an introverted person, I was, of course, the last to find someone to talk with to ensure my survival through the next three weeks of mind-numbing training. But when I did, we clicked instantly and talked nonstop the first week.
Until one day, he noticed my lock screen. It was a picture of me and my significant other at the time, and my new friend jokingly asked who it was. And didn’t say another word to me after I answered.
This isn’t a cute tale of romance and second chances.
This isn’t the story of newfound best friends. And this isn’t even the story of chummy coworkers. This is the story of male entitlement, immaturity, and how it pervades our culture. This boy I met talked to me maybe twice the rest of the summer because he was upset I “led him on” and “friend zoned” him.
The friend zone is defined as “a situation in which a friendship exists between two people, one of whom has an unreciprocated romantic or sexual interest in the other.” The concept of the friend zone exists within the framework that the worst thing you can be in relation to women is a friend.
This stems from a sense of entitlement men feel that they deserve to date whatever woman they want and if she says no, she’s to blame.
This context allows no room for a simple no; rather, it’s an explanation used to shame women and tattoo a permanent chip on the “nice guy’s” shoulder.
The friend zone doesn’t exist, but the entitlement men feel toward women does. Language matters. And shifting the emphasis from “why won’t she give me a chance,” to “why do I feel like I’m entitled to a date with her,” is an important piece of understanding this phenomenon.
However, understanding the problem is only half the battle. To solve the problem, one needs to know the source. Part of where this sense of entitlement comes from is due to toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity refers to typically masculine traits which act as parameters for male behavior and the idea that these traits manifest in a problematic way.
For example, stereotypically masculine traits such as being tough can lead to violent behavior through the assertion of that toughness, like picking fights with others, or acts of domestic abuse. Masculinity itself is not “toxic,” simply the way these attributes evolve into negative mentalities or actions.
Through aspects of toxic masculinity, men aren’t societally permitted to open up or be close to people.
In this regard, male friends tend to especially be kept at arm’s length (Re: “No homo!”). Meaning that when a woman is nice to them and encourages them to be more open or honest, they misconstrue this act of friendship instead as a romantic gesture.
The idea that men are not allowed to be emotional or kind to people unless they are dating makes it difficult for men who fall under an umbrella of entitlement and fall victim to aspects of toxic masculinity to be able to form healthy friendships and relationships, especially with women. Which is why the worst thing you can be in regard to women is a friend.
The entire situation is exacerbated by the media and the emphasis they place on relationships/the de-emphasis they place on friendships. Especially those with women.
Going back to the famous When Harry Met Sally line: “No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive.” Women are typically only depicted in media as secondhand characters and love interests, making it more difficult for men to see them as multifaceted individuals who are there to be more than just a prize to be won.
Growing up with the constant stream of stories where the guy always gets the girl helps to foster a sense of entitlement in men.
All in all, there is a lot to unpack, but it’s worth taking a crack at. The root of the cause is just as important as the cause itself. It’s necessary to understand where entitlement and expectation come from so we can pull it out at the root, and do better, not only for the sake of women but for the sake of men, too.
So, what’s next? Be a part of the solution. Examine your own interactions with women. Befriend women. Build friendships. Call your entitled friends out. And take no for an answer.
