Picture one of your closest friends in your mind and ponder these questions: Why are you so close to him or her? What qualities of the person drew you to form a strong friendship? Was it their personality, behavior, shared interests, virtues? Now as you answer, at any point did the person’s gender play a role in determining why you are friends with that person? Whether it did not or perhaps did, I hold no condescending judgement towards either case; that kind of judgement is reserved for the society that creates and sustains rigid gender roles and politics, especially when it comes to friendships.
To say that we live in a world that aligns specific virtues and behaviors to a certain gender is no myth. Virtues of activity such as physical resilience and fortitude, strength and control often fall under the category of “masculine” traits, whereas “feminine” traits concern the passive realm of warm-spiritedness, nurturing love, and affection.
While society may not explicitly promote these distinctions any more, they have by no means vanished from its implicit messaging. Is the affectionate, selfless man on equal footing with the man who maintains a well-groomed and toned body, or how about the tough, muscular woman compared to one who exhibits a sleek and slim figure? The sad truth is that both formers are not encouraged or respected as those of their counterparts: most men who value emotion and affection are stereotyped as “weak” or “gay”, and women who value “masculine” traits are viewed as outsiders, or are categorized as a third gender.
Needless to say, our society holds gendered expectations for nearly every single aspect of our lives, such as our body type, what kind of job we should have, what kind of behavior we should demonstrate, etc. But another aspect that these force digs its claws into is the area of friendship, and once again it implicitly dictates how we should go about making friends from the very get go. People are encouraged to form most of their friendships with people of the same gender, often through activities or groups that appeal to one’s particular interest. While creating friendships with those of the opposite gender is encouraged, priority places emphasis on forming the most friendships with those of the same gender in order to cultivate one’s gendered traits.
However, there are many others who follow a reverse path in which the majority of his or her friends are those of the opposite gender. While some of you may ask “what’s the issue there?” (which there shouldn’t be), the problem once again lies in gender expectations. Men who find most of their friends to be women are viewed as feminine, queer,or she-males, men who have rejected traditional “masculine” values, and women who choose those values in place of their expected “feminine” ones become labeled as butch, queer, or he-women.
I’m sure there are some of you who remain unconvinced that this exists, and while I understand your hesitation, I ask that you cast aside your doubts for just a moment, for this topic applies to me very personally. While I do have a handful of guy friends, the vast majority of mine are girls, as has been the case all my life. Like most men who find themselves in this position, I lack pitifully in traditional “masculine” traits and values. I’m no athlete or Olympian body model; I’m a bisexual, music-loving bookworm who is pursuing careers in education and library science, areas dominated by women (I’m basically a walking stereotype). Before I had the courage to accept these facts, I was very self-conscious about my situation. With every TV ad , movie, book, and social moment that passed me by, I saw so many people who were not like me and so few who were and I often questioned if my lifestyle, personality, and character were what they should be. Was I a weakling if I didn’t play a sport? Should I have more guy friends? Were my interests and personality pathetic compared to others? I hid these concerns from everyone to the point where I was sure I was going to develop some emotional disability as a result. Believe me, societal pressure to just conform is real and the people who call me and others like me “cowards” (referring to a certain Fox News show host) have no idea what these experiences can do to a person.
Gender expectations should have no place in determining the creation of friendships. The idea that a certain friendship should be considered in order to follow out a certain role and to meet a gender tally is ludicrous to me. In no way shape or form am I ashamed to say that the majority of my friends are girls or the fact that I place more value on and exhibit more “feminine” traits than “masculine” ones. The relationships I have with my friends, guys and girls, are not built on who they are biologically; they are built upon the memories, laughs, experiences, and tears I have shared with them. They are reinforced when they have comforted me in times of distress and when I have comforted them. They are shown with terrific smiles and simple hellos they have given me on any given day. These are the qualities that create true and enduring friendships, not what is between the person’s legs.
To those who are beset by the pressure that our gendered society creates, please know that there is no shame or fault to be had in who you are, and while I may never fully comprehend the situation you face, I do know that you are no coward and your happiness is worth fighting for.
