Dear SomeBody,
It feels like yesterday. It feels like years. I guess I took the time I had with you for granted, and now when I think about you, it feels like what separates us isn't Death, but Time.
I would give anything to have another minute to talk to you, to hear your voice, to see your face. I wish I could go back to the moments we had together and relive them; they mean so much more to me now. It's sad what it took for me to truly cherish those memories. Your life was, is, worth so much more than that.
I wish I could hear your laugh one more time. That's one of the things I miss the most.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about you at least once. I regret all of the pictures we didn't take together, the time I carelessly deleted the silly ones from my old phone, all the things I never said to you. There are random times where I miss you so strongly that I cry like the moment I found out like I'm feeling it all over again for the first time.
Some people tell me I need to learn to let go and move on; others tell me to never let go and always remember. I think I'm somewhere in the middle. I try to keep your memory tucked securely into the back of my mind until a moment comes where I feel I have let you slip too far back and I reach out desperately to pull you closer again.
I wish there was something I could have done. We all do. But I know you didn't die just to make us feel bad. The choice wasn't for us, it was for you, and I'm sure it was an extremely difficult choice to make. I don't blame you for a single thing. I still love you fiercely. I still care about you immensely. I am your friend no matter what; suicide didn't change that. I refuse to define your life or our friendship by your death. They say, "A friend until the end," but the relationships you built with your brilliant light, insane humor, and infectious energy could never be crushed by anything as mundane as death. You'll always be SomeBody to me.
You're beautiful inside and out. Even in death, I still feel your love and support. When the grief was fresh, a huge network of support opened up all around me, one that I never knew I had. I have never felt truly alone since then, and it's all because of you. It's not that I am glad about what happened: I'd give anything to have you back. But because of you, I know that I am truly surrounded by love at all times; a feeling I struggled with before. Like in the song from Wicked, because I knew you, I have been changed for good. Thank you. I hope that wherever you are, you're happy and free. You deserve all that and more.
Love,
Amanda
Writer's Note: This article is dedicated to my friend SB on the anniversary of her death. While writing this, I struggled with whether or not to address the letter specifically to her, since she was the one I really wanted to talk to. However, she was one of the biggest advocates for suicide and mental health awareness I've ever had the privilege of knowing. She saw the somebody in everyone who thought they were a nobody. I think she'd want as many people as possible to get something out of the letter, not just those who knew her.
I love you, my favorite sophomore.
