Part of me feels like I should just call this article, “an open apology letter to my heart”.
Over the last few years, in particular, I have put that thing through a lot. It has felt the pain of a crumbling four-year relationship with my high school sweetheart, it was forced into another relationship after that in hopes that there was something better out there; it has been given to men who just wanted to play with it and given to sleazy “men” who didn’t appreciate it. Really, I haven’t been too kind to or careful with it over these last 20 years.
I feel like after going through some of the things that I’ve gone through, a lot of people would have given up. No, I’m not claiming that my experiences are entirely unique, nor am I trying to say that others haven’t experienced heartache of their own. I am, however, pointing out that hearts aren’t always so resilient to breakage.
Being surrounded by this hookup culture, having TV shows and movies showing breakups or divorces almost as much as marriages, hearing sexually charged songs on the radio, and living in a society where people generally don’t believe in “fairytales” anymore, it’s no wonder why people give up on love. We don’t hold on to the people we love when times get hard anymore, we don’t swallow our pride, we don’t forgive or apologize; we’re quick to anger, we’re quick to blame, we’re quick to stereotype all potential relationships based on a few bad ones. Moral of the [first part of this] story, we’re quick to give up. We, in our early twenties even, say, “I’m done dating until I’m at least 30,” “All boys are the same,” “I’ll never find anyone”. Besides this being just generally ridiculous, it’s something that I absolutely refuse to do. Love isn’t a trick, falling for someone is not a trap, and not every situation is the same. I refuse to learn my lesson when it comes to love because, to me, there is nothing consistent to learn.
One of my favorite quotes/jokes of all time is in response to a hypothetical person claiming “all guys are the same”; the response to this is, “yes, because Zac Efron, Adolf Hitler, and Barack Obama share extreme similarities”.This is just a goofy little thing, but how right is this, though? Not all men are the same, not all situations are related. Even looking back at my exes, sure, there were similar quirky traits, but there wasn’t any defining factor that linked them all together other than the fact that they were all men who had dated me.
Not only are men individual by case, but situations are independent as well. Just because someone hurt you in the past doesn’t make it inevitable that the next person who comes along will do the same. It’s okay to be cautious, but don’t allow yourself to be consumed by fear or anxiety that what was once true with one person is bound to happen again. People are willing to put up with different degrees of discomfort in relationships as well; even though you may have heard something about someone from a friend doesn’t mean that your experiences will be the same. Chemistry with someone occurs case-by-case, meaning you can’t compare your experiences or set your expectations based on what someone else went through with that person.
I refuse to fall into the habit of faulting all men for the wrongdoings of a few. I refuse to give up on love because I’ve been hurt. I refuse to let my caution solidify as an unbreakable wall. If you’ve been hurt in the past, that’s okay. We’re all human; we feel pain. But love is one of the greatest feelings that one can experience, and it’s really sad when people deny themselves that high because of past lows.
If you meet someone that makes you happy, I challenge you to forget your past. Maybe not entirely, because it’s good to protect your heart to a certain degree, but don’t let it dictate your every decision. Free fall; allow yourself to forget the possibility of pain for the chance at feeling happiness, even if only for a while. Love is not a lesson to be learned; allowing yourself to fall for someone isn’t a contract for pain. Your past does not dictate your future, and there is always hope for the heart.
