October 16th, 2012 marks the day when my grandfather unexpectedly passed away. I woke up the following morning to my mom breaking the news to me. I was in complete shock and it took me a while to process it. When I did, I was still sent to go to school and I had to leave in the middle of class because I couldn’t sit for long. I spent most of that day in my guidance counselor’s office and she had helped me deal and cope with understanding the loss.
That was four years ago. I was able to move on properly and smile at the memories, but occasionally, I still think about him and miss him. There are a lot of things I wish I could tell him and a lot I’d hope to share with him. Like:
1. I love being your granddaughter:
We’re not much of a conventional family. I’ve gathered that much. But I’ve always enjoyed coming home after school to have you and grandma looking after me while mom and dad were at work. We would have limited conversations, with your broken English and my very little understanding of Chinese, but mostly, we got through the language barrier. It was enough just sitting around and being in the company of one another.
2. I’m no longer the ‘girl in the hospital’:
My surgeries are all done. Isn’t that great? I got done two years after you left, and I wish you were there with me to see the end. You’d be anticipating it with me, I’d guess. Someway, somehow, though, when I finally got done and was walking out of the hospital for the last time in a while, I had a feeling you were there to watch it all along. You saw me leave a place that had a history with me all my life and leave all the times of IVs and operations behind. As I was walking across the street towards the parking garage, I felt a breeze. It was as if you were giving me a hug.
3. I’m doing okay, and I’m happy:
Look at me. I’m in college. I graduated high school. I’m getting involved. I got a job. I have the best friends I could ask for. I never could feel lonely. No matter how much I’m still self-conscious and self-deprecating of myself, I’m truly happy. I’m in a bright and happy place and I’m doing all I can. I’m working hard in college and helping to make a difference. I’m surrounded by an amazing group of friends who help guide my way and help me see the person I could be. I’m okay. I am really happy about how my life is now. I just wanted you to know that.
4. Most of all, thank you:
Like I said, we’re not very conventional. No one in our family goes around saying, ‘I love you’, ‘I miss you’ or even ‘thank you’ to each other. Occasionally, we can get a ‘thank you’, I guess. And even if we do say all those things, it’s so unusual for us that we have to ask, ‘are you okay?’ But I do mean it when I say thank you. Thank you for helping me master the computer at the early age of two. Thank you for making me my favorite noodles the way no one else has ever made for me (although, looking back, I’m pretty sure it was just a pack of Ramen cooked and heated up...so anyone could’ve really made them). Thank you for watching my baby videos and shows with me. Thank you for helping to take care of me. And lastly thank you for the laughs and smiles you gave to me. Even though I hardly could understand you, what I did understand, always made me feel cheerful and light inside. It wasn’t in words; mostly it was in hugs and sitting close on the couch together. I guess that’s where I got my hugging nature.
What is the universal language up there? Is it English? Or is it a variety? Maybe even if I were to be able to show this to my grandfather, he would probably have trouble reading it since it’s not in Chinese. At any rate, I hope he can at least know and understand.
It’s been four years. And even though I’ve moved on properly, I still wish you hadn’t left. But don’t worry. I’ll see you again in due time. I hope you’re enjoying watching me grow and live life and love it the way you wanted me to. Happily and full of spirit.
Until we meet again.
