"Where I Died"
Jesus said, “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”
Matthew 10:39
As a small child I attended church camp every single summer, it was the highlight of my whole year! Dorm wars was NOT taken lightly, extreme games was a bloody war, and the food absolutely sucked, but the five days spent there made the other 360 worth it. I remember going to the altar at the end of the night services and praying that God would mold me, use me and extend me beyond my human capabilities. I prayed this all 10 years I attended, but there was a particular night I will never be able to shake from the very depth of my memories. Growing up I was always very insecure, anxious and withdrawn from anything outside my comfort zone, this, in turn, caused me to limit God and what I wanted him to do in me, but this particular night God planted a seed in my heart that took until my 1st year in college to sprout.
I was kneeling at the altar asking the Lord to rid me of all my fear, and use me. When I opened my eyes and looked up, I noticed the speaker that preached that night had a tattoo reading: HE>I. Being raised the way I was, tattoos were NOT of any interest or appeal to me, but for some reason reading that stirred a new wind in my barren soul, and my dry bones began to live again. Like normal, everyone goes home on Friday, the school year starts and camp fever wears off, but for me, this saying still burned the back of my mind. I lived my high school years no different than any other teenager, and I would like to say my life hit a screeching halt, I was completely sold out for Christ, and I was the Christian we are to be, but reality is that was not the case.
I remained in my comfort zone safe and sound from public discrimination and prosecution, and walked the road very much traveled by. Senior year came and went like a streak of lightening, and there I was…forced to start “adulting.” I walked into my first class of college and went through the syllabus we all love to hate, recited “My name is Hannah Crumley, I’m from Tifton, GA and my major is undeclared.” That word, "undeclared" was the hardest thing to swallow because I have always known who I was in the world (freshman, sophomore, junior or senior), and here I was, Ms. Organized and put-together, not knowing what in the world she going to do for the rest of her life. After my second class, something hit me like a ton of bricks, and boy did I act fast. I resigned from my fear of commitment to a career, changed to a Pre-Nursing major, changed my entire schedule and left that day with a new found peace.
Months passed and I was settling into college life, and the demands. At this point I was going to school full time, coaching soccer, working an after-school program and working at the YMCA, which was all great and grand, but I still felt no sense of completion. I came to the realization that I used the busy lifestyle to avoid my fears and anxieties, and that’s when my world crumbled. I felt alone, disheartened and under constant stress to do something or be somewhere. My moments with God were slim to none, and my heart was beating but there was no life being produced. What was wrong with me? Why did I feel like this, I have all I could ever want? Why wasn’t God showing himself? It is a dangerous place to question the great I AM, and the reality was I didn’t let him show himself because I put limits on him for years on end. The day I faced this realization was the day I died. Not in the physical sense, but meaning I strayed from Hannah’s path and took the one less traveled. Growing up in church, I always heard the term “selling out for Christ” but it wasn’t until this past year I even knew what that truly meant.
Months have passed since my “death”, and I am in the absolute best love I could have ever fallen in. You see, following Jesus requires a choice, and demands an action to produce the ultimate commitment that develops character, builds faith and spiritual discipline. It is a lifetime venture of love that does not fail, peace that surpasses understanding, joy that explodes into others, patience with a hand to hold, guidance in every decision in life, comfort in the loneliest, hope for tomorrow, and mercy that triumphs over judgement. I finally touched the sky when my knees hit the ground, and despite the moments God stretched my comfort zone, put me in undesired positions and lead me in deep waters, I have yet to be overcome because He will never lead you where He was not already walked. He is greater than my hopes and dreams. He is greater than my fears and anxiety. He is greater than my accomplishments and success. He is greater than my setbacks and disappointments. He is greater than my past, He is greater than my present, and He is greater than my future. He is greater than my plans, and He is greater than my unexpectedness. He is greater than life. Earth couldn’t understand him, the grave couldn’t hold him, and hell couldn’t seduce him. This is where I die, my Lord with thee crucified because He is greater than I.
