Struggles. Anxieties. Depression. Lack of Faith. Self-confidence issues.

These are all things that absolutely consumed my life during 2014 and 2015. I was constantly seeking out things to consume me. To fill this void in my heart and to consume my mind, time, and attention.

My name is Megan Murray.

And this is my testimony.

Part one begins in my junior year of high school, when I started casually dating this boy who I had thought was out of my league.

Mistake number one.

Me starting this relationship believing I was out of this guy’s league became my start of self-confidence issues that would last me for years, and still to this day. I never believed I was good enough. My idea and image of myself consisted entirely of this guy’s idea of me. And the sad part is that I had believed it. I relied on it. I THRIVED in his opinion of me. I had NO idea that I had this Heavenly Father who ADORED me and made me in his perfect image. I didn’t see that. I still struggle with seeing that. But my 16- to 18-year-old self didn’t see that. I saw what he saw. And that was, in my mind, never enough.

What became causal dating, ended up being a two-year-long serious commitment. Full of fights, worries, and tears. Over these two years of my life, I did not grow. I did not become an individual. I did not love the Lord with all that I am. What I loved, was attention. Earthly, materialistic, unfulfilling attention. Worthless. That was a name I became to become familiar with.

All this being said, I don’t blame this boy. He is an incredible man. But during this time in my life, we were both immature, issue filled people, who relied on each other for comfort, security, and meaning.

Mistake number two.

People, I will tell you this now. Relying on earthly things will always ensure you one thing. And one thing only. Disappointment. And the thing is, it’s not even our fault. It’s hard wired into our systems. We are humans, we were born into sin. We will disappoint at some point in our lives. And then we will again. And again. And again. Over and over. The beautiful thing about that, is that we have this amazing Lord who knows we will disappoint him, but has already forgiven us. He literally loves us more than anything else in this universe, more than anyone has ever loved anything.

But, my 16- to 18-year-old self, my poor, poor, younger self, did not see this. I had no idea. Well, that’s a lie. (See, I’m sinning already) I had an idea, but I didn’t welcome it into my heart. I saw this boy, and I saw what MY selfish idea of love was. I saw him, and I idolized him.

Mistake number three.

The thing is, it’s not even his fault. The poor kid is beginning to have a poor rep because of my selfish and immature ways, keep in mind this isn’t a story of him. This is a story of my mistakes and growth. Me beginning to idolize a boy, a boyfriend at that, was the single thing that caused destruction in my relationship and how I lived my life for those two years.

Me idolizing this boy led to heartache, tears, and many disappointments. In my head, he was my God. He was what was going to fulfill me, what was the center and cause of my happiness. What was going to eternally cause my life of joy. Having such high expectations for a person is literally just a recipe for disaster. Having this mindset, whenever he messed up, (we all do), I was brutally hurt. Over and over. Because I had expectations for him to be perfect, for him to guide me and give me hope and joy. (Not saying he never did, don’t get me wrong, this story is my focus on what tore me down and how I found strength again, if I were to write a story of the beautiful, great things from this relationship, we’d have another story.) Back to the original story…

My expectations for this boy disappointed me. I was never substantially happy. It didn’t help that we were young and new to serious relationships, and we had no idea how to do it! We learned as we went, and we went about it all wrong.

See, with our Heavenly Father above, relationships should be built on unconditional love. Trust. Mercy. Hope. Forgiveness.

My 16- to 18-year-old self lacked a lot of these. I lacked a lot. I wasn’t strong on my own, I wasn’t growing, and these two things just caused me destruction. I had trust issues, I had issues forgiving, I had issues with my anger, jealously, self esteem. And yet still, I relied on a boy to fix me.

Mistake number four.

While I thought I was so, so happy, I was lacking something. I had this void in my chest. I had this blankness inside me that I found welcoming in late at night. I kept it to myself. I went to college, and had fun with my boyfriend, and lived a life away from home. We continued our relationship of fighting, happiness, disappointment, happiness, and lack of trust. BUT, because I had my days of happiness and because he was all I knew at that day and time, I kept living on with my life. I kept living this unfulfilling life. Because I didn’t know anything else or any other way to live.

Then... Then I found The Well.

The Well is this student ministry that serves students from ETSU and Milligan. Finding The Well showed me that people around my age, older and younger, had the capability of being WAY far ahead of where I was in my life. In my faith. In my spiritual growth. In my happiness.

I then began to question… Is there more to this life I’m living outside of this relationship? I began to go to a weekly meeting of worship, and I joined a small group that I began to meet with weekly on Monday nights. These Monday nights began to be what I looked forward to every single week. These Monday nights allowed me a chance to be exposed to a whole new perspective of a faith filled life. I met girls who shared similar struggles, similar goals, and I was blessed to see what genuine Christ centered friendship looked like.

It was beautiful.

Exposing myself to a new life of friendships that loved the Lord was the beginning of how God began to work in my life.

Second semester of my freshman year, my bible study began a study titled “Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships.” (Or something extremely similar to that title…)

The lessons consisted of teachings of how to date, but in the right ways. In the healthy ways. Going into this study, I had anxieties. I had a gut feeling that I was about to learn a LOT about dating and about my own personal relationship and what I wanted out of relationships in general.

Was. I. Right.

The first week of the study, my leader looked at my group and said, “Not to scare you all, but last year when I taught this study, three of my girls ended up breaking with their boyfriends.”

I just laughed.

By the next week, I came into bible study, and the first thing I said to my girls was, “So, I broke up with ____.”

Hearing ONE lesson about Godly dating and how to have healthy relationships was all it took for God to start molding my life, my love life specifically. My eyes and heart were opened to an entire new perspective of how to date. I learned, in one night, how unhealthy my relationship was. How unhealthy I handled literally EVERYTHING in my relationship. Honestly, it was like a train had hit me in the chest. It was a wake up call. I was so incredibly humbled that first night. I remember going back to my dorm, sitting down, and just praying to the Lord. I opened my heart and just started talking to God. Asking him, where do I go from here? I’m finally seeing the error of my ways, and I don’t know where to go from here. I didn’t know a life outside of the one I had with my boyfriend. He was all I knew. In fact, he was the ONE thing I knew was good and right in my life.

Or so I thought.

After praying about it for a few days and having good conversations with some of my friends, I got this calling. Clear as day. “Break up with him. Come home.”

So I met up with my boyfriend, my sweet, sweet boyfriend… and I broke down.

I told him, “I can’t date you anymore.”

I don’t know why, but I’ve just got to strengthen my relationship with God. I’m so so sorry. I just cried and watched him go. I let go of the one thing I knew in my life. I let go of my routine that I was so comfortable with and had been confortable with for the previous two years of my life.

My life, had been ruptured. I was lost. I had a calling to break up with my boyfriend, and I took it.

For the first time in my life, I surrendered what I believed to be right and true to the Lord. And for the first time, I began to grow.

God ripped my world apart, and I have never been more thankful for heartbreak in my life. It took me breaking, for me to heal. To heal in faith. To heal in love. To heal in a promise that there is a life out there for me full of trust and wholeness and completeness and peace and love and GOD. There was a life out there where I could feel good enough. Where I could feel like I had something to live for. A FATHER to live for.

Over the next few months, I grieved over my relationship, but I began to build new relationships. I made friends that encouraged my spiritual walk. I finally began to build a relationship with the Lord. I prayed every. Single. Day. I just started to talk to God. Driving down the road, I’d just start telling him about my day. What I was struggling with (which was a lot) What I was happy about. I’d wake up, feel anxious about my breakup, and then I started to pray. I was finally relying on something bigger than me. Bigger than my ex. Bigger than this life.

For the first time in my life, I just began to understand what it was like to live for something that wasn’t materialistic. That was substancial. That was eternal. And my heart, my chest, felt a physical change. I just felt……good. I felt happy. I’m actually smiling as I type these words. I began to GROW. I had never known growth before. Like I said, I knew heartache, mistrust, disappointment. I never knew that there was something better for me out there. That spring semester was the best semester of my life. I ended up getting baptized for the first time in May. I publically declared my love for the Lord, and I just remember feeling overwhelmed with love. With joy. THIS is what I was supposed to feel like. While I still struggled with the pain of my breakup, I knew that there was something greater meant for me.

This brings me to part 2 of my testimony.

ETSU brought me incredible friendships. It blessed me with a strong community to build my faith in and to continue to grow in. I finally began to start to set standards for what I wanted and for how to go about dating for whenever I started to date again. I was finally striving to live for the Lord.

I got another calling one day, to leave this newfound home that I was so happy in and had found so much grown in, to go to The University of Tennessee.

A new place.

A new city.

Everyone always asks me if I hated my old school and if that’s why I transferred, and I always say no. I loved ETSU. So much. But for whatever reason, I felt the calling to come to UT. I prayed fervently about it for months, and even in my last month at ETSU, I still felt like I was supposed to go there.

So I did.

Once I got to UT, I stopped praying about my purpose and calling there.

Mistake number five.

I got to UT, and I had basically said, “Thanks for getting me here God! I got it from here!” And I took the reins over for myself. I began to live for substancial things. I stopped pursing faith and I began pursuing my idea of fun. I figured, well I’m here now, may as well do what I want. I started dating again. I lost touch of everything I gained while at ETSU. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my standards for relationships and my morals for living, had dropped, substantially.

My first week at UT was rough, I was so used to my old school, I just had breakdowns where I’d cry and wish I never left. But, I remember one day in November, I had written in my journal, “I’m so happy here. I’m finally happy.”

Or so I thought.

Two days later, God ripped the rug from underneath my feet, and on my face I was again. I had finally opened up to my roommate about my lifestyle and relationship and what was going on, and as I heard myself talking, I just realized I had lost myself. I began to just sob. I finally saw that I had taken two steps back. God was giving me a chance to fix it myself, but when he saw that I honestly thought I was happy and satisfied, he said “No Megan, come home.”

Again. Come home. So I did.

I broke up with my second boyfriend. Even when I thought I had started dating in a healthy way, I still had lost my pursuit of the Lord. How can I pursue a man when I can’t pursue my Father? Or myself?

I finally surrendered EVERYTHING over to the Lord. My relationships. My friendships. My schooling. My trust. I finally began to think, maybe he sent me here to see if I could still thrive in him, even when I don’t have the community around me. When I’m in a new place, surrounded by new people. Can I still walk in faith?

The answer was no.

I couldn’t.

I didn’t.

Until that day that he just knocked me off my feet. I finally realize that I will NEVER be satisfied in this life until I am satisfied with the Lord. I will NEVER be the girlfriend or wife I am intended to be until I become the woman I am intended to be. I will NEVER become that woman until I pursue God. Until I fall in love with Jesus. How can I even THINK that I have the capability to love myself or a man until I love the Lord? Better yet, how will I even know how?

My testimony isn’t a story of bad ex boyfriends, which most people may take from this. They were and are incredible guys. This is a story of me growing up and finding something better and healthier and more fulfilling for myself. I’ve learned that I want Jesus. I want a life of pursuit. I want a life of trials that I can face with a brave and strong heart, knowing I have the big man upstairs on my side.

My testimony is a story of me learning to love the Lord.

To give up earthly idols, materialistic things, for a life of the Lord.

To learn reliance on the Lord, alone.

I see so many girls TRAPPED in unhealthy relationships. TRAPPED in having eyes for men that have ill intentions. TRAPPED wanting things to fulfill them that are going to disappoint them. This is not me saying I have overcome all of these and I don’t struggle.

I do. Every single day.

This is just me simply saying, to women AND men, have hope.

Have hope that there IS something better for you out there. That it won’t be the end of the world to take that leap of faith. That it will work out in the end. That you WILL be okay. That you will be strong. That the Lord LOVES you SO much, and he will FIGHT for you, more than anyone or anything else ever will. There is a God who adores you, and wants you to run home to him.

Come home, friend. Come home.

Fearless. Confident. Strong. Hope.

These are words I have come to love and to know. These are words that consume my life in 2016. These are words I pursue.

THIS is a life I pursue.

A life of love.

A life of hope.

A life with God.

And I feel so. So. Good.

No matter what trial may face me next, there is one thing I know. And that is that God is so good. And he will provide. Over all.

He ALONE is my rock.