Infatuation is a feeling, love is a choice.

It is the difference between needing someone and wanting them.

Looking for the feeling of love is like looking for need. Dependency.

You told me not to depend on you, I didn't. Instead I wanted you. I wanted for you.

In the moment, hearing you remind me not to depend on you was the saddest thing I thought I had ever heard, but it wasn't for me. I was sad for you. I didn't know why at first, but I've realized it's because you are looking for someone to depend on, whether you know it or not.

Because I'm not "outgoing" enough? You knew that from day one. I'm not "take-charge" enough for your personality? Fuck gender stereotypes, it's not like I was looking for a keeper. But I wasn't looking to wear the pants either. I was looking for an equal. I thought you could be him, someone to share that sort of responsibility with. Nobody can be one thing all the time.

You use the term "yin and yang" like you know what it means, but you don't. Opposites (or equals) will always be an unbalanced union if that's the fucking requirement you're going by. It is absolutely nothing about personality types and everything about working together to find balance. I would never have changed myself for you because you asked me not to, and it's something I decided on long before my first relationship.

But do you have any idea how much time and work I was willing to put into us, if need be? How much attention? How much care? I was under the impression that was our consensus from the start. To work on things. To try. That we would both try because we both wanted each other? When it came right down to it, I didn't see you try.

I won't tell you how devastated you left me. That what you saw that night was nothing compared to the mess I have been for the past two weeks. I won't try to make you feel guilty for not checking in on me, because I'm not convinced you would feel guilty even if I told you about the panic attacks I've had daily since then. I won't go into detail about how empty you've left me. What I can tell you, as I write this, I can feel fire in my bones. I've never felt that before.

Even in reading this, should you bother to, I think you'll be feeling proud of yourself in a way. Yeah, proud. That's the impression I've been given. You think this is okay because you've shattered me so exquisitely that I'll come into my own artistically? Why the fuck do you think you can say that this is a lesson to teach me "whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"? Who are you? How can you be so calm and steady in your resolve to leave me on the side of the road that you don't even sound like the guy that I was so excited to be with eight months ago? Hell, even two months ago.

If this is you finding yourself, I'm glad you got rid of me, in a way. I loved you. I thought you were amazing. You were such a good guy. You were honest. You tried so hard to be everything you are. If you felt lost, I'm sorry. That's something I would have listened to and tried to help with, you know that. But I think in trying to find yourself, you're actually straying, honestly.

This part isn't about the breakup. Those statements you made about going to a University over Community College so you can finally be with your "intellectual equals"? I didn't say anything because it was just so odd and out of character for you. I thought maybe it was just a phase you fell into after passing the last term so well. I've always thought you were bright, and so smart. I still do. But for the love of God, even if you're out of my life forever, do not become that asshole. It's egotistical, and quite frankly a bit vile. This is the biggest part I want you to take away from this if you're reading it. I can't say it straight to you because I'm not certain you'll listen to me, and I'm terrified that you'll get angry. This is the best shot I have at letting you see that attitude from a different perspective.

You really should be proud of your accomplishments, and your intellect. Your character has always been amazing, and you are so charming. But I'm seriously praying for something to swiftly kick that ego the fuck out of your beautiful soul. I don't know where it came from, or how it started, but it will corrupt you.

You said I might feel used. Well, I do. I was what you needed at the time? And now you're done. So what I needed, what I wanted...after all the ways I tried to be the best version of myself, and be patient, hoping you would get over your own fucking heartbreak, didn't matter at all? I didn't deserve more time? I didn't deserve another chance? I didn't deserve to be talked to at all? You may not have thought these things when you decided on your own, out of nowhere, but you certainly didn't have a conversation with me. You were a fucking stone wall. I spent my entire childhood with a person like that, and I can't explain how infuriating that is. It makes you want to scream. It makes you feel like you count for nothing. That's exactly what you've done to me. You don't get to hide that behind a "this was the best thing for you" bull-shit stance. This was for you. "We weren't meant to grow old together" doesn't cut it. You made me believe that you chose me like I chose you.

I never thought you needed me. But you fooled me into thinking that you wanted me.

Yes, you were the best thing that's happened to me in years. I said it. I meant it. I never relied totally on you, yet somehow you've still managed to make yourself one of the greatest disappointments in my life so far.

I loved every minute I spent with you, and don't regret any of it. But that doesn't make this any less disappointing, because I truly thought you were a bigger man than this. I thought you were more courageous and emotionally capable than this proves.

Even more disappointing than that?

I still miss you. So fucking much.

I miss holding your hand.

I miss your constant sarcasm.

I miss the way you smell.

I miss the way that you see the world and challenge my point of view.

I miss being sure that you weren't just ignoring my texts because I knew you must be out playing with your "skill-toy".

Yes, I even miss the agonizing clacking of a fucking kendama after watching you play for over an hour because I know it made you happy and calm in a way that I never could.

I still love you. And even though that was too early for you, it's still true. I chose to choose you. And somehow you still don't understand that.

The most disappointing?

You either won't read this, or won't care.

I feel as if nothing I've said will open your mind or heart. I'm drowning because of you. And you don't care. Not in the way I hoped you would.

I hope you find all the satisfaction in yourself that you're looking for now that the weight of me has been taken off your shoulders.

With an unfortunate amount of Love,

C. R.