For My Mamaw
Start writing a post

For My Mamaw

My grandma passed away when I was little and I never got the answers I was searching for.

For My Mamaw

It’s so beautiful and exquisite to exist, to live and to love. It’s beautiful to breathe in and out, to feel someone’s hand in yours. The thought of that ending, being cut so short is a necessary evil, something that comes with the deal. Our time here is limited, it’s short in the grand scheme of things. There isn’t enough time. The roots of a person that have grown so deep in your heart are plucked from you. You lose a flower in the hills of your mind, your garden feels dull.

The flower that I lost was my grandma, my Mamaw. I was 6 years old when she passed away, barely old enough to wrap my mind around what it truly meant to be dead. Dead. Gone. Never coming back. I remember sitting in my aunt’s living room with my family when I was told that she was dead. I remember sweaty palms and biting my lip to try to keep the tears at bay. The short breaths and throaty declarations of comfort felt like I was suffocating. How could my Mamaw be gone when I just spent the night there a week ago?

I was young when I spent my time with her. The memories are cloudy, but the feelings are as present as the rain I see trickling down my window right now. She had these pink, fuzzy slippers that she’d always wear before bed. We’d lay on the pull-out bed and watch Law and Order as my cousin and grandpa slept in the bedroom. The downy sheets and her arms around me lulled me to sleep as I tried to block out the murder mystery scene on the TV. I hate that I didn’t get to spend more time with her and I constantly wish she could see me now. I wish I could talk to her about nursing and how college is going. She was a nurse herself and I’d be lucky to be half the nurse she was. I wonder if she’d like the person I grew to be.

Pictures are the only thing I have now to remember her. I could sit for hours and listen to stories about her, quirks that made her uniquely Laura Dees. I remember what her voice sounds like, I remember her laugh. But as I grow older, those things fade, they dim like the lights before a movie at the theatre. It’s so frustrating to not be able to know her now that I’m adult. Being older, I am starting to realize all the things we never got to do. I never got the chance to tell her how high school was, how much fun prom was and how I think this boy in my class is cute. She never got to see me graduate from high school or college and see me become a nurse.

Although we had countless 'nevers,' we had a few firsts that I will cherish my whole lifetime. I like to think she’s watching over me, smiling proudly at my college endeavors. Every time I pass that little house atop the hill, I smile at the memories of late night snacks and endless imaginations of my childhood. It all stopped making sense when she died. Can we ever go back? Will I get to meet her again at the pearly gates when I’m finished here?

As for now, all I can do is live my life as I’ve been doing for years. When something unexpected happens, I can smile at the momentary bliss that my guardian angel provides. It's so unfair, I want to scream at the top of my lungs and curse whoever is in charge up there. I want answers. I want to know why she had to go, why she never got to meet my brothers or cousins. I want to know why she was so young when she was whisked away from our lives. I want to know why I never got to say goodbye. My blood pumps red, but I feel so cold. On those April nights, I think of her. Just let me hold her hand once more. I miss her and I know her absence left a gaping hole in my family. But there’s hope that one day I will get my flower back.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Olivia White

"The American flag does not fly because the wind moves it. It flies from the last breath of each solider who died protecting it."

Keep Reading... Show less

Separation Anxiety in Pets

Separation anxiety in pets is a real thing and recognizing the warning signs is important.


Since March, Covid-19 required most of the world to quarantine in their homes. Majority of people ended up working from home for nearly five months. This meant pet owners were constantly with their pets giving them attention, playing with them, letting them out etc. Therefore, when the world slowly started to open up again and pet owners began returning to normal life work schedules away from the home, pet owners noticed a difference in the way their pet acted. Many pets develop separation anxiety especially during this crazy time when majority people were stuck inside barely leaving the house.

Keep Reading... Show less

The invention of photography

The history of photography is the recount of inventions, scientific discoveries and technical improvements that allowed human beings to capture an image on a photosensitive surface for the first time, using light and certain chemical elements that react with it.


The history of photography is the recount of inventions, scientific discoveries and technical improvements that allowed human beings to capture an image on a photosensitive surface for the first time, using light and certain chemical elements that react with it.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

Exposing Kids To Nature Is The Best Way To Get Their Creative Juices Flowing

Constantly introducing young children to the magical works of nature will further increase the willingness to engage in playful activities as well as broaden their interactions with their peers


Whenever you are feeling low and anxious, just simply GO OUTSIDE and embrace nature! According to a new research study published in Frontiers in Psychology, being connected to nature and physically touching animals and flowers enable children to be happier and altruistic in nature. Not only does nature exert a bountiful force on adults, but it also serves as a therapeutic antidote to children, especially during their developmental years.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments