I was born a fool on the run.
I like to say that I don't really know what I want in life, but that is not entirely true. Deep down I know what I want, for the most part, and you probably do as well. Yet, if we so often know what we want and need in life, why is it that we become timid and live a life full of U-turns and regret?
As a young kid I always said I wanted to be a clinical psychologist. I had a lot of anxiety growing up and I found that talking to people always seemed to calm me down. For example, when I first joined the Boy Scouts I would always become super anxious and worried before a campout. I was overtly shy growing up, and so asking the other boys to be my tent buddies for campouts was always nerve-racking. Besides that, I would also worry about finding a specific time during the week to pack for the campout. If a specific time wasn't set, I would worry and obsess relentlessly. For the first year or so it would reach the point to where I would have mini panic attacks and the only way I could calm down was by talking to my mother. The act of simply telling someone all of the silly things I was worried about always seemed to lower my nerves and I would end up having a successful camping trip. I enjoyed talking to my mother, friends, and mentors about what kept me up at night, and for a long time I intended to return the favor to others by becoming a clinical psychologist.
Fast-forward a few years and I am now attending a senior-seminar class for sociology as one of my weekly classes. Sitting down and being able to talk to people 1 on 1 had always been a huge part of who I am and who I wanted to be, yet I decided to major in sociology when I got to college.
I've asked myself the same question regularly over the past 4 years; what happened?
To illustrate another example, I spent the majority of summer 2016 spending time and hoping to be in a relationship with a girl where it never really felt like I was being true to myself. I met this girl at a restaurant we both worked at over the summer, and I knew deep down that she wasn't the girl for me as soon as she started her training. Despite these gut feelings I was experiencing, I continued to spend time with and pursue this girl.
Our core beliefs and values were very different.
Where she had a great love and affection for saving the planet, and I had a great love and affection for helping the people living on the planet.
Where she was a free-spirit who drifted in the wind, I preferred to stay grounded and adhere to strong personal morals and convictions. We did not share the same respect for structure, discipline, and authority.
Where she hated kids, I loved kids.
Where her life seemed to have an unknown trajectory, I envisioned myself being married and with a family one day. That has always been my end-goal, yet I was always unsure of her end-goal.
In short, we were essentially complete opposites and were living in two worlds spinning apart from each other. Even though I knew she wasn't the girl for me, I still pursued her.
Again, the question is why? What happened? Why is it that we so often seem to make decisions in life that are not a true reflection of who we really are?
There is no one answer, and everyone is different, but I have given the above questions much thought.
In a nutshell, it all comes down to fear and vulnerability.
By choosing to do something in life that we truly want to do, we leave ourselves open and vulnerable to failure. Perhaps the reason I decided to major in sociology and not psychology is because I was afraid. I was afraid that I might not succeed at something I had always wanted to do, and it had a paralyzing effect. By majoring in psychology I would have left myself open with my defenses lowered, and a potential attack or disappointment could have left me devastated and my dreams crushed.
Perhaps I knowingly went after the wrong girl because if things went south, I had the insurance of knowing the she was never really meant for me and the emotional fallout would be minimal. If you go after someone who is wrong for you, then you are doing so with your defenses and emotional shield intact. You are not leaving yourself open and vulnerable in the same way that you would with someone who is right for you. You say you want a relationship, but you are only lying to yourself when you knowingly pursue someone who is simply not you.
In order to be the people we are meant to be, we must embrace vulnerability in our lives. If we do not, our true colors will never show and nobody will ever know us for who we truly are.
I was born a fool on the run, but I do not have to die as one, and neither do you.
The choice is ours.
