The Floridian Plague

Florida is known to many people for its various and diverse set of roles: the nation’s vacation destination, the birth place of Gatorade, Spring Break land, the epitome of regionalism, and, of course, the driving.

Now, recently, the atrocious Florida driving has been explained! While under study for separate defects, an evaluation of cars in Florida revealed a newly discovered chemical coating the indicator lever, called incredibiliter mollis. It seems that, for whatever reason, the people of Florida react very heavily with this chemical, and not in a good way. Just a whiff of this chemical is enough to render their ability to use a turn signal completely non-functional.

As serious as this allergy is, perhaps it is more serious that, as of now, a cure has not been found. We must be thankful then that Floridians are so proactive and determined to make a change. If you just look around while driving, you’ll see that just about every Floridian is researching diligently on their phone, so much so that they even research while driving! What true heroes!

While having no immediate cure definitely sounds dark and treacherous, it is helpful to know that, just with the discovery of this chemical, solutions can already begin to be formed. Many skeptics have argued to put down the phones and to leave It to the professionals, but they clearly do not understand what enormous harm could be done if that phone screen is not being utilized 100% of the time.

Beyond simply dismantling the mobility of the left hand, incredibiliter mollis leaves drivers unable to follow a straight path down a lane. The scope of his allergy is monumental and dangerous, which is why I beseech you, every single reader, to pitch in to the fight. Research incredibiliter mollis, try to find some way to be immune to its affects, and please, help Florida be a safer state for pedestrians and anyone on the road.