Looking forward toward graduation and a glorious exit from the college culture of hookups and commitment phobia, many of us twenty-somethings face daunting questions: Who am I, what am I doing for the rest of my life, and who is that going to be spent with? Will I get married? Or will I spend the rest of my days a crazy cat lady living alone in an apartment with an ever-growing stack of self-help books?
There are many, many different types of relationships. In our college years, people seem to fall into relationship categories--there’s the “married couple,” the high school sweethearts who have been together for what seems like forever; there are the serial daters, who seem to have no trouble finding perfect relationship after perfect relationship, and then there’s me. Fling girl.
I have become fling girl not by choice, but because of the simple fact that every time a romantic interest comes my way, the relationship ends before it even begins. It’s a cycle that no matter what I do, I cannot seem to break. No matter how many times I have my heart broken, stomped on, or left to rot, I seem to always gravitate towards the guy that is most likely to let me down.
And although I haven’t found myself with Mr. Right yet, I have learned some valuable lessons in dealing with the wrong ones.
1. Second chances should be earned. Many people are big believers in second chances (and third… and fourth). But half the time we give them because we’re holding on to the hope that the person has changed and will actually treat us right this time around. Wrong. Don’t give a guy who’s hurt you a second chance unless he’s really done something to earn back your trust.
2. On that note, people don’t really change. Sure, they grow, and sometimes even learn from their past mistakes. But if a person consistently bails on you, treats you with disrespect, consistently lets you down… those habits and personality traits aren’t likely to change.
3. If they really love you, you’ll know. I have always been the biggest culprit of making things seem very different in my head than they are in real life. Don’t fall victim to thinking that just because you love him, that he also loves you. If he really loves you, he will do anything and everything for you. If it feels like a guessing game, chances are someone is holding something back. Let it go.
4. Games are for children. Be real. Although playing hard to get has been a tried and true, well-proven strategy in the dating world, sometimes it can get you into trouble. If you’re interested in someone, be honest, be yourself, and if they feel the same way about you, no games are necessary.
5. Most importantly--keep an open mind, and learn from your mistakes. For us girls who are drawn to the bad-boy type, it can seem like finding a nice guy that we are also attracted to is virtually impossible. And when a nice guy does come along, it can be scary.
But you have to learn from past relationships if you want any hope in leaving fling girl in the past and finding real love. Guard your heart and don’t fall back on old habits, but keep your heart open. Getting let down and hurt is never fun, but in order to find real love, you have to be willing to open yourself up and connect with another person. That means being vulnerable; it means giving the nice guy a chance even if it is terrifying.
Most importantly, as I enter a new chapter in my life, I’m not worried about love. The right person will come to me when the time is right. I’m keeping an open mind, and open heart, but there’s no rush. I’ve learned that I have to be smart, learn from my mistakes, kick old habits, but most importantly, stop trying to control everything that happens. Sometimes, you have to let your life live itself instead of trying to live it. And everything else will fall into place.
