I am an amazing person. If you don't believe me, I can provide you with a long list of references, all of whom are real people and not several different Facebook profiles that I made.

Because of my unending compassion and effortlessly smooth skin, I am always approached by people on the street who ask me "Andrew, how do I be the best me I can be?™" And I laugh and laugh and gently explain to them that if they want my advice they'll have to buy my book because I'm not running a charity and being the best me I can be is expensive.

But since you're taking the time to read this, I'll gladly share a few helpful hints from my semi-written, unpublished self-help book "Be the Best You You Can Be: A Comprehensive Guide to Finding Your Inner Light and Blinding Others With It™"


9. Laugh often!

Shakespeare once wrote that "all the world's a stage" and it's up to you to decide whether you want it to be a comedy or a drama. In my two decades of life, I've found that nothing is as funny as others' misfortune! If you see an elderly woman struggling to open a door, or a couple breaking up in a public setting, it is perfectly acceptable, and highly encouraged to laugh.

Laughter helps you live longer, and though it may give you wrinkles, you'll really appreciate those extra few minutes on your deathbed to tell your family various ways which they can improve themselves, which leads me to my next point.


8. Give unconditionally!

Not material goods, obviously, because then you would have less of what you have now, but of the things money can't buy.

Like criticism!

I often criticize my friends and family so that they can be the best thems they can be™, and while it may not always be welcomed with open arms ("Why are you always so mean?" - my mother), they know it's for their own good and that I'm only trying to help.

A smile and a constructive word coss nothing but it will make you feel so much better for having improved the lives of the less fortunate (anybody who isn't me)!


7. Practice good mental health!

With the world becoming so fast-paced, it's often hard to take time to practice good mental and physical health.

Whenever you find yourself feeling stressed to the breaking point, explain to your loved ones that you need some time to yourself to fulfill your needs. Take up a hobby, find a new favorite bar, read a book, do something to find balance in your life. Consider taking a small trip somewhere with a warm climate and good food, like the lovely beaches of Mexico, which brings me to my next point.


6. Practice good physical health!

Stress can affect us all physically, too. If you find the strain getting to you, start sleeping more, or failing that, just eat more fruit, leafy greens, and something called quinoa.

If, after making the necessary changes, you still feel sluggish and under the weather, here is a comprehensive list of plastic surgeons in Tijuana to ensure that you're in peak physical condition (without breaking the bank!), because when you look good, you feel good!


5. Don't "stay too long at the fair"!

Many times, people refuse to let go of a good thing because of the joy and security it brings. Relationships, addictions, possessions, many of us don't want to admit to ourselves that it's time to say goodbye to something or someone we hold dear. But from time to time, you'll have to cut people out of your life who aren't beneficial to you or the goals you've set for yourself.

Conversely, sometimes it's fun to test a loved one's loyalty. Choose one friend at random and cut off all contact with them immediately. Then see how long it takes for them to beg for forgiveness. If they seem truly repentant, then they passed the Friendship Test™ and they deserve your love!


4. Confidence is key!

When you walk into a room, you should be able to draw attention without having to say a word. Maintain good posture, make direct eye contact, and be greeted, do not greet. If you exude confidence, then others will pick up on it and be naturally drawn to you.

Take it a step further! Walk into every room with the mentality that you are inherently better than everyone else and they're lucky to be within a mile of you!

Take it another step further and actually live your life by that mentality! Treat everyone around you like an unpaid intern. Make a commanding presence your trademark and the world will love you for it.


3. Dress for success!

Neutrals and earth tones are fine for the office, but your everyday attire should be as exciting and colorful as the personality that you'll have after finishing this list. Go for colors that the more conservative crowd would call "tacky" or "cheap" or "inappropriate for a funeral." Don't be afraid to borrow some inspiration from nature, either.


Like the mandarinfish!


Or the peacock!


Or Liberace!


2. Be open-minded!

While it is undeniably important that all of us understand our limits, too many times we wake up to find that we're stuck in a rut. It's extremely important to maintain a sense of adventure and a willingness to try new things.

The summer after my freshman year, I shocked everyone by signing up to spend three weeks in India. I deliberately sought adventure and I was rewarded in ways I couldn't even imagine. On one particular leg of the journey, we stopped at a quaint roadside inn for tea. I've always had a weak stomach and so I needed something more substantial than tea for the long bus ride through the desert, and I luckily found the hotel bar. After a few drinks, being the adventurer that I am, I ordered some food from this hotel bar in rural India. It was delicious and I recovered in just three short days, all because I answered "yes!" to the exciting call of life!

Adventure is out there, you just have to find it!


1. Be competitive!

Healthy competition is the spice of life. It causes people to achieve their full potential. It's also a sad but true fact that someone will always be better than you. When faced with unbeatable competition, you have three choices:

1. Bow out gracefully

2. Try harder (and still probably wind up in second place)!

3. Spread vicious rumors about the other person until they're too ashamed to show their face in public.

Since this is on the record, you should never lie, especially if it will ruin somebody else's chances of success over your own. It's better to try your hardest and fail than it is to win with deception, because even if you achieve all of your goals by lying and cheating and cutting brake lines, it will be a hollow and meaningless victory.


My life is still a work in progress, but only because I'm still so young and innocent, naive to the ways of the world. However, I honestly believe, because of step #4, that my approach to life is the correct one, and while there are many paths to choose from, my book only costs $19.95 and will improve your life a lot more than anything written by Joel Osteen. Good luck, and Enjoy the New You!™