Have you ever come across a piece of writing that was so vile, so inane, so incredibly asinine that you did not know how to properly react to it? I did such a thing this week. I was scrolling down my newsfeed on Facebook as normal and there was an article that caught my eye. The article was titled "15 Thoughts Every Guy Has When Dating A Bigger Woman" and this article was filled to the brim with misogynistic comments, sexist ideologies, and just plain uninformed nonsense.
Fat people are not some sort of sub-species in which they are entirely different from "thin" individuals. Fat is also not set in stone, for being fat changes significantly depending on the person who is being talked to. Just because a statement or action is with well intentions in your mind doesn't mean that it is actually okay or does not hurt the subject or object of said statement or action. It is needless to say that I was speechless after reading that article but it did give me an idea of how to properly assess my feelings on the topic. I decided to write my own list. So here are five things you do not say to your fat significant other.
1. "Do you think you should be wearing that?"
Your partner should not be made to feel ashamed of what they are wearing to shape the mold of beauty in America. There should be no reason why your partner should be made to feel ashamed especially by YOU because of what they are wearing. Let them wear what they want! They feel judged by society's standards of beauty already, I do not think they need it from you as well.
2. "Should you really be eating that"
This one, I believe, has the best intentions. In your mind, you're stating "I just want them to be more healthy" but constantly commenting of the type of food consumption your partner does can oftentimes hurt more than it can help. Statements such as those often create a bad relationship with food and can be a slippery slope for an eating disorder -- your partner could begin to never know when they are eating too much or eating too little. I do advocate for healthiness, but it is not your place to police the food intake of your partner
3. "You're not fat! you're beautiful!"
Media has conditioned our minds into telling us that this is a nice statement towards people (but a lot of the times women get this line) in general but specifically fat or plus size people. I shall reword this statement so you all can understand why it is not okay. "You're not like those dirty fat people who are just awful. The best thing ever is being 'thin' and being fat pretty much makes you the worst person ever. You're not one of those, you're gorgeous!" being fat or plus size does not eliminate you from being gorgeous, athletic, intelligent, or anything else. If you need any proof please refer to my Ashley Graham (shameless plug of earlier article) article to see some absolutely stunning fat models.
4."Maybe you should go exercise."
Exercising isn't a bad thing but you should not pressure your fat significant other into doing it. It should be their choice on how, when, and if they want to participate in exercising. Very much like food, an unhealthy relationship with exercising can be developed (as it is developed in a lot of "thin" people as well) and that can be just as unhealthy. Always remember to be supportive not detrimental.
5. "Ugh! I'm so fat!"
I will admit, that I have said this one more than few times in my relationship. I recognize how much of an issue it is now though. Being fat isn't the end of the world. Statements such as this reinforce the notion that fat is horrible and that if you are fat, then you are horrible. It sounds like a harmless phrase but once we just look a little deeper, we can see that it isn't just a self deprecating one off. It is a reflection of our notion of beauty and what it means to exist in this society. If our existence is predicated on our body mass then that's the issue. Do not say this to your fat partner. Do not even say it to yourself.
Being fat isn't a curse nor is "fat" a bad word. It is commonly associated with being less than, but I believe it is high time we make a change to that idea. We can get rid of this idea that being fat is a societal taboo, but it starts with our interpersonal relationships first. If we want to make the change on a macro level then we should try on a micro one. I know that you may love and care for your partner, but making them feel less than does not help. This list should be a nice starter guide for those with fat or plus size significant others. Fat people are people as well, so lets start treating them as such.
For reference, that's Myself and my girlfriend:
