When I heard the words “I'm going to Nebraska for school" come from my boyfriend's mouth, I had a breakdown. I knew this journey wasn't going to be easy. There were times when I wondered if I could really handle it. Every goodbye is harder than the one before and even though our journey with distance isn't over yet, I wouldn't change a thing.
Facetime is so important.
My relationship started when we were in high school where we saw each other nearly every day. We had summers when we were apart -- one summer he went to Europe for a few weeks and the other two summers, he was in a marching band that practiced all day, almost every day -- but nothing to the extent it is now. I am someone who craves physical affection. At the beginning of our relationship, I wanted nothing more for him to hold my hand. I am so in love with the idea of feeling his arms around me, his hand in mine, hearing his heartbeat, all that cheesy stuff. With him being so far away, it is especially hard for that physically clingy part of me because I can't be with him, kissing his cheek or booping his nose with mine.
Before he left for school, we agreed that we would Facetime every night, even if it has to be short, just to say goodnight. Nine months later, we still keep up on that promise every day. Of course, there are nights where we fall asleep before we get the chance to talk, or different circumstances make our video chats very minimal. It doesn't matter if it's for five minutes or 50, being able to talk to him and knowing that we are living the same life for that short while makes the distance feel so much shorter. There is not one conversation that I have with him that is taken for granted.
Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate...
Words that couldn't be more true from the lovely Taylor Swift. Hate and doubt have been thrown at me a lot in these past nine months. Whenever I say I have a boyfriend, they ask me where he lives, and when I say Nebraska, I get one of three looks and comments:
1. "Oh my god! Really?! You're so strong for doing that, I never could." (accompanied with some deranged look that looks like a deer in headlights)
No, no. I'm not strong. I'm just faithful. Not that hard.
2. "Oh, yeah, so how's that working for you?" And then I get a shady, side-eye look.
It's working out great! Thanks for asking (eye roll)!
3. And the most uncommon (but my favorite) response: "That's awesome! I'm so happy for you!" with them being just as excited and happy as I am.
Thank you for saying that. I love you!
The last comment is my favorite. I love when people are happy for me in my relationship and have as much faith in it as I do. And, well, for the two other types of people -- "I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake...shake it off!"
Faith, trust, and pixie dust.
Okay, maybe not so much pixie dust, but going into a long distance relationship is scary. In social media, music, and news, you see and hear so many stories about how relationships are failing because of infidelity and many people's obsessions with hook ups and friends with benefits. It's definitely pretty intimidating when entering the LDR world. With all of that and my personal struggles with anxiety, it was a constant worry that I was going to lose the thing that meant the most to me. I knew he loved me and that he wouldn't do anything that would hurt me. He always said, "If I didn't want to be with you, I wouldn't cheat on you, I would be honest and leave. So if I'm still here, I want to be with you." Though some days were harder than others, we both let each other live our lives as our own people, not trying to limit each other's opportunities due to fears and anxieties. You just need to have a strong enough love and be able to fully trust each other and distance isn't all that hard at all.
Goodbyes suck.
There is one thing in an LDR that never changes -- how hard goodbyes really are. In these nine months, I had to say goodbye to him five times. Each time was worse than the one before. I get so used to having him around and having him with me, just to have him torn away again. You never realize how much someone is part of your life until they aren't at your door to pick you up for lunch, to brush your hair when you aren't feeling well, and they just can't come and see you whenever you miss each other. Knowing I won't be in his arms for months after our goodbye breaks my heart and leaves me in tears every time. Goodbyes and distance never get easier, it just becomes the norm and that's the hardest part.
With every goodbye comes a hello.
While there is nothing worse than a goodbye, there is absolutely nothing better than a hello. I cannot describe the feeling I get when I see him after months without him. The best way I can describe it is seeing your favorite band in concert for the first time. You have seen them for so long through pictures, social media, videos, and whatnot and suddenly, BAM, they're there. They are real people and it is almost like it's a dream. That's exactly how it is when I'm reunited with him. It is such a high when I get to run and hug him and know he's real and he's mine. As hard as every goodbye is, every hello makes it worth it.
