In November of 2013 I was diagnosed with depression and acute anxiety. I have been living and trying to cope with these illnesses for almost four years now and am still learning new things just from my own difficulties with it. I want to share what I learn because I know this all sucks, and I know that ‘sucks’ is a really lame adjective for such a horrid mental illness, but I am seventeen and that is how I can sum it all up. Depression is literally and figuratively a bummer.
Since June I have been working on being positive, which is the most cliche tip of all cliche tips but listen, there’s a reason therapists and friends and anyone you approach will tell you to try and be positive, because it helps. Even if you think you are lying to yourself, say nice things when you are doing your makeup in the mirror, if you walk by the mirrors at the gym, if you see yourself in a picture. I have stressed before that your physical body and your mental body often go hand in hand. Neglecting one means neglecting the other. Tell yourself you look good, and then you will, begin to look good. Coincidentally, since June, I have been in a pretty constant good mood. I had not fallen into a depressed spell in very long time, and overall I was doing better than I had been doing since 2013.
Except on Saturday all of that was really tested. I woke up feeling absent, like all the important things inside of me that kept things balanced just weren’t there. I didn’t want to eat, or shower or go to work. I stared at my cat for 10 minutes and just felt like I had been robbed. Work was horrible. I sat there and stared at my brother and Dad for three hours and wanted to try and drown myself in the sink in the back of our store. I had no plans for the weekend. I was gonna be at home and then working, and suddenly, this looming dark cloud wasn’t just over my head, it was in my chest and in my already crappy lungs. I got off work and got in my car and went home and wobbled to my room and just breathed. And I sat down on the floor and pet my cat and then hugged my little dog and I did my routine. I turned my oil diffuser and closed my eyes as it started to mist the smell of lemongrass and then I turned on my LED light strands and I decided that I wasn’t going to sit and let myself be consumed.
I sat down and made a plan. I turned music on and cleaned my room, then took a shower and ate dinner and decided to hunker down in bed with tea to watch season two of my favorite show, Scream, on Netflix.
I realized, that this is the first episode I was able to pull myself out of, and never, have I truly felt strong in my life until I accomplished this. Because I am healing. I am doing so well, and it took a long time to get strong.
A long time to get stronger than my depression.
Don't worry if it takes you a long time too.
