I’ve always considered myself an athlete. My main sports have always been golf and fantasy football, but hey, those are actually the toughest. Still, I had a few little league highlights, suffered my way through recreational basketball, and casually got destroyed in pickup football. As a red-blooded American, I generally avoided the so-called most-popular-sport-in-the-world — soccer. I grew up on hot dogs, football stadiums, and hoops in the driveway. Watching a soccer game could lull me to sleep, and playing was just a temptation to use my hands. Any sport that restricts the use of a body part doesn’t sound like liberty to me.
Unfortunately, there are some traitors in this country that adhere to the “original” football including my friends. When the World Cup rolled around in 2014, I was hooked. If I didn’t ironically scream GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLL whenever the U.S. scored, did they really even score? And the gateway drug of an international competition soon led to my true addiction, the video game FIFA. I put that on the easiest difficulty and played as the USA for DAYS. Seriously, my basement would look like Brazil after the Germany loss.
Despite my virtual love, I never reached the point of physically playing. The shame brought upon my father would be too great. Oops. When I got to Villanova, my friends formed an intramural soccer team. The majority of them either played in high school, or played casually. Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out why I can’t kick with my toe. IT’S THE EDGE OF THE FOOT. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO KICK WITH?? The few practices we had I spent trying to spin some crazy shots into the net, unaware that I am not Ronaldo. In reality, I am more like Helen Keller in a children’s ball pit. Tripping over the soccer ball I am trying to kick is one of my more obscure skills. Actually, my team thought I made some progress. I was ready for our first game...
...Until we almost had to forfeit. We didn’t get to pick our schedule, so we had an inconvenient time slot. About half of our team had class at the time, which isn’t a good strategy to win. Our team has 13 players, including two club players, but a few of our best players could not make it. Going up against an upperclassman team, we looked like a mashup of Sandlot and Kicking and Screaming. Kicking and Screaming is actually a pretty good description of my gameplay. When I got my first pass, I looked down at the ball and was surprised it was there. My thoughts were pretty much: oh crap the balls coming oh crap the opponents coming, oh crap kick away, KICK AWAY. I was like Bruce in Finding Nemo, and my kick was a ticking time bomb turnover. Needless to say, that’s what led to the first goal...which wasn’t ours. The goalie gave a valiant effort, but it’s tough to stop a team that has two more players, since it was eight on six.
Maybe the only people more disappointed than myself were our friends, who stopped to watch the game. A few girls joked about being cheerleaders, but they were better suited for being therapists. I was always the guy that kept score, but I may have wanted a participation trophy at some point. It was probably when the captain passed to me and I put my foot in the wrong spot, and the ball rolled out of bounds. Might not be the best way to try and start the next game.
But it’s all about fun right? Well the team won in that aspect too. They laughed after a goal when a seventh player came to rescue us in the second half, but an opponent tricked him into thinking they were on the same team. Let’s just say they didn’t get a quality sportsmanship rating.
It didn’t help that there was a flag football game going on right next to us. I didn’t sign up for that sport because I was already on a team, but I was practically drooling seeing the pickup game. My mirage only ended when a soccer ball hit me in the shin. So that’s why they wear those shin guards...who knew?
Needless to say, I’m looking forward to only being a sub next game. I can be the water boy, like Adam Sandler, and only come in to deck the goalie. I could use a red card to kick me out, it would still be a better grade than my report card. Alright I’m off to the fields. I might play goalie this time, so at least I have an excuse to get hit with the ball.
