Around this time of the year last year, the future I had envisioned with me and my significant other disappeared in a single moment.
I lost my lover, best friend and the person I had identified as my soulmate.
He still exists, physically, but no longer holds the same place in my life he did for the year we spent together. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, and my first heartbreak.
Without going into too much detail, he cheated on me. And ultimately, it took him breaking up with me to realize the toxicity of the relationship I was in, and the reality of it.
When I found out, initially, I was in shock and disbelief. It was a feeling I had never experienced before. I felt my heart drop into the pit of my stomach and a wave of fury came crashing down on my entire being. I was angry, confused, and mortified. I witnessed him sever the enormous tree of loyalty and trust we built up together at ground level and, as it struck the ground, it shook me to my core. All of the time I spent watering our tree with my love, efforts, and commitment seemed to be a waste. Stripped of its roots, our tree withered away as I did too.
For weeks afterward, tears flooded my eyes throughout the days and nights. I had nightmares. When I would close my eyes, ready for sleep to take me into a different dimension, all I could see was him with her. I questioned what I had done wrong and did not value myself the way I know I should have. The relationship I was in had drained me of my energy, and I had lost my sense of self.
I resented myself for "letting it happen." But, I slowly realized I couldn't blame myself anymore. As time went on, I found myself drowning in a deep sea of anxiety and depression, due to exhaustion from walking around under a dark cloud.
But, one day, I woke up and I saw a little sunlight.
The storm calmed in my mind. The sunlight was very faint behind the clouds, but it began to grow brighter. This when I remembered something my dad always told me, which my grandma had always told him: "You can either let it make you bitter or better." I chose to make myself better.
As I fell out of love for the first time, I began to reflect and notice some of the flaws of my first relationship. They say, "love is blinding." I believe I experience this first-hand. I gave all of my attention and love to someone else, while my own soul cried for it. When I lost the person I put all of my energy into, I was left feeling empty. But, I began to change my mindset and decided I would use this experience to learn, grow, and thrive. I'm still working towards the "thrive," but I continue to learn and grow every day. I began to pay attention to myself and ask what it is I want from this life. I began to value myself again.
Even when you feel as if you lost the only person you need in your life, remember: you are the only person you NEED in your life. You owe yourself all of that devotion and love you put into that other person, and these are the things I attempt to remind myself every day. I know that one day I will bask in the sunlight, and my soul will shine through the branches of MY beautiful tree, full of love and life. I will not let someone else tear it down, and you don't have to let it either. Continue to grow and look for the sunlight.
