It is 11:57pm on a sunday night, a time in which you would think one would be sleeping. But instead my mind reals with words like, conformity, future, self-expression and self-love.
If anyone who knows me were to sit me down in the past week, they would have immediately told me "you're not yourself lately". In fact, many people did. But the fact of the matter is I was completely listening to what they said, but not so much hearing the words and how that may affect me. And after mulling it over in my head as to what it means to be "me" I began to notice that these days, I have no idea who that is any more.
The past few months I have been sitting in my own turmoil trying to figure out my life for the next thirty years. I am 19 years old, and Im trying to plan for when Im 50. What?
Even more so, Ive been so stuck in my own little head, creating my own pit of destruction that Ive lost the love Ive had for so many things in my life. For instance, I LOVE clothes, I love to look in my closet and match outfits for days. I love looking nice and feeling nice. But lately? Im lucky to even get myself into a pair of jeans.
Reading was something I longed at all hours to do, I could always find the time to pick up a book and read it for hours on end. The last time I read a book, just because? Hmm well maybe the beginning of August.
Ive come to the point that if I were to meet me on the street, I don't even think I would recognize myself. And it wasn't until this afternoon, when I was creeping on my fashionista friend and saw these B-E-A-Utiful thigh high suede boots that I realized what was wrong.
I am not living a life, where I am allowing myself to just be myself. Every morning I wake up and can't help but wonder how people are going to perceive me today. "Will I look too ugly?" "Will they think Im too stupid if I don't get an A?" "Do these jeans make me look too big?" Im putting myself in a box, that only I have created for myself and its high time I get out of it.
Swimming in a world thats chocked full of people who are full of judgement, and hurting others with words is not a place I like to see myself in. But the truth is, its where we all are as college kids. A place where we are all screaming to let loose, but yet still trying to conform.
Its high time that when I look in the mirror, Im not only in love with the girl I see but also what she stands for. Not someone who is constantly bashing on herself and those around her, but someone who can stand up for others and prove that life has more to it than what you're wearing today.
I am 19 years old, I am a girl still finding her place in the world and thats okay. I am a lover of shoes, clothes, purses, people, books and animals. And today, someone who is going to also begin loving themself.
And to think, it all started with knee high suede boots.
