[beauty: as defined by Merriam-Webster online: n. the qualities in a person or a thing that give pleasure to the senses or the mind]
When I was younger, I thought I was pretty. ‘Beautiful’ was a word for the older girls, the grown ups, the women who were far more mature and older than I was. The word I used in its place was ‘pretty’ and as a child, I believed I had achieved the look of ‘being pretty’ with just a much self-esteem as any six year old would have. Looking back on pictures of me as a young child, I had every right to believe that I was pretty, even deserving of the word beautiful. I don’t mean it in a conceited way at all--I just wished that the feeling of beauty and what self-esteem I had possessed stayed with me through the years I would soon face. My blonde ringlets and big blue eyes, on a face adorned with rosy, plump cheeks make me look like the happiest child--and I was. They were my telltale signs of a good childhood.
As I grew older, however, I found this self-confidence dwindling. I no longer saw myself in a positive light, nor did I refer to myself with any sort of positive attributes. To myself, I wasn’t capable of being beautiful, I didn’t deserve to have that name tied to me. What I felt on the inside, in my mind, I thought reflected on the outside of me; my thoughts were my appearance and both were the ugliest things imaginable. It was a dark time for me that stretched over multiple years. Over time, things got better and my perspective of myself only bettered slightly. I merely thought of myself as average at that point: nothing special, just a plain Jane.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Being told that I’m beautiful by another person was always something I struggled to respond to. A few years ago, my thoughts were very much the same: how do I respond to being told that I’m beautiful when I don’t even believe it myself? Even now, I struggle with compliments, something that people close to me probably know (or some could figure out). It’s hard to accept them, to say a simple ‘thank you’ and move on; the difficulty is something I attribute to the days where my self confidence took a nose dive into the pits of hell.
Because when people find me beautiful, I want desperately to ask them why. What makes me so beautiful? I don’t mean it, again, in a conceited way, I just genuinely want to know. To me, quirks and flaws make people beautiful, unique and abstract. There’s something gorgeous in the abnormal, or something that one finds strange about themselves. I believe there’s beauty even in the plainest of faces, but never of my own.
Take my aunt for example. Fighting cancer, exhausted from treatments and worn tired from her job, my aunt was beautiful. When she lost her hair, she was the human example of an angel. When she was weak, she was gorgeous. It was her strength and fighting spirit that made her earn the trait of beauty. She was, and even in the clouds, is the most beautiful person I have ever known (say a prayer, or even just a little sentence for her; her birthday is Oct 16 and by the time this is published, it will have already passed). Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and to me, it’s all I see.
Honestly, in this present moment, I’ve felt truly beautiful, and deserving of that word, a handful of times in my life. My self esteem is slowly being built up from the dilapidated ruins it was just years before. I’m grateful for those who have helped build me up over time and hope that I can be that person for others, myself. It never hurts to pay someone with a compliment, even if they don’t choose to believe it. That’s my challenge for this week: compliment people, make them smile in some way. You never know who will need it.
In short, I’m sorry this article this week was a little down. I had the idea of writing about beauty, but I wanted to share it from a more personal perspective--my own struggle with the ideals of beauty and the effects that society has had on me. It’s been a long journey and some days are downfalls for me. To truly be bautful, you have to believe that you, yourself possess the quality. You have to believe that you are beautiful to feel it. I hope that anyone reading this does. Even in the few times that I really felt like I was worthy of the word, it was the best feeling in the world. I hope everyone experiences it one day.
Have a great week. Give a compliment. Share a smile. Stay beautiful.
XX
