You started it with "I don't even know what to say..." And honestly, that is all I needed to read to know exactly what was going to come next. We weren't going to talk anymore. And you were going to give up again. And I was going to sit up at night. Sit up and wonder why I was not good enough any of the times even when I tried so hard.

I have been sitting up at night wondering for a while now. And I have read your last message to me enough to finally come up with my last message to you:

First off, I want to address your opening line. You "didn't even know what to say..." You have never really known what to say. You have really never known a lot when it came to anything to do with me actually. You never knew what we would become. You never knew what I wanted to be. You never knew that the time we spent together, whether it was alone or with our friends, was some of the most precious time to me. That being said, I am sorry that you never took any real interest in me other than the way my jeans looked on my back side one night. Because there was so much more to be interested in. So from now on, know that the next person I decided that I really like will know more about me than you ever thought was possible for someone to know.

Th next part, I believe, was you trying to cushion the blow that was coming my way. It was where you claimed that you "really like me. A lot more than you wanted to." You weren't expecting to have as great of a time as you did with me when we literally sat around and talked about nothing important and danced to music in your empty apartment like fools. I am sorry that you weren't warned that I am a fun person. I am sorry that I was myself around you and that my personality causes me to make light of a lot of situations. I should have warned you that hanging out with me will be some of the memories that you will never forget.

And if you didn't want to miss me when I went back to school you should have told me not to come over right before I left. You should not have told me that you were going to visit me. You shouldn't have let me make more memories with you that would make everything just as hard for both of us. Because I didn't know then that all those times were going to make me sit around months later and feel like I was undeserving of something as silly as attention from someone that probably didn't deserve it from me.

If you weren't the guy that I should have been putting off other guys for, I wish you would have told me that. I wish you could have mentioned that when you were saying how much you missed me and couldn't stop thinking about when we hung out, you had also been hanging out with other girls and that it was OK for me to do the same instead of getting my hopes up. Because now I realize that I should have done what I wanted and hung out with who I wanted. I wasted my time thinking that you were going to do something for yourself for once. That you were going to make yourself happy.

When you finally decided that you maybe said some stuff that would make me upset, you threw in there that you truly like me. That I am an amazing girl that you hope one day (really soon) I would find a lucky guy that would treat me right. Thank you for those kind words. But no thank you to your ignorance because this made it even harder for me to be mad about what you put me through. What is sad about this part of your goodbye was that it took me reading it more than a hundred times to actually believe I am amazing. I am just sorry that I had to realize it after having my heart broke by a coward months and many tears later.

Yes, I will find a great guy that wants to treat me right. He will be lucky. And he will actually know how lucky he is. He will admit that he likes me and not right before he shatters my self-esteem. And no, I will not do it because you are hopeful for me. I will do it for my damn self. Because I deserve it after the crap I went through because you "didn't even know what to say."

Maybe next time we are around our friends together, you won't be so scared to face the girl that you hurt. Maybe then you will realize she is even more amazing and resilient than you hoped.