The Monster That Was Inside Me

The Monster That Was Inside Me

You go off and you fight. You fight like hell. Because, really, what other choice do you have?
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This week our editor challenged our team to write something out of our comfort zone. So here I am. I am going to be completely honest. The topic I am going to get into is dark and a lot of people go through it. Just stick with me.

It all started my senior year of high school. My life was all over the place and the only thing I thought about was school. I was a good student, the teachers liked me, and I had good grades. When I wasn't doing school work I would always be working out. Soon I started to noticed I was losing weight. Yet my family never really noticed.

After months I think I lost a total of 50 pounds in like 3 months. My doctor would ask how I am losing weight? I would say "I am just cutting out some foods." But the truth was I stopped eating. At school I could get away with not eating breakfast and lunch. And you start to think, I was hungry at first but after awhile I got used to it, I guess. And I liked having the extra time to study and the more I thought about it, well if I don’t need lunch, then maybe I don’t need breakfast or dinner either. And it kind of became a new project for me. To see how long I could go without eating any food.

Soon some people start to notice. Yet you have done this routine for so long, you are in denial. I was in denial. I started isolating from everyone again, and my anxiety was at an all-time high and panic attacks started to happen daily. I couldn’t take it anymore.

It kind of became a new project for me: To see how long I could go without eating any food. I didn’t want anyone to see me the way I see myself. I was shortly diagnosed with a eating disorder. And I went through it all, denial, anger, depression, its like i was grieving.I didn't want to change. So for a couple of months I just continued what I was doing.

So after a long time of being in denial. I got help. On February 5th after school I packed my things and went to Ohio.

I was attending a IOP (Intensive outpatient program), a rehabilitation therapy most commonly used to treat chemical dependency. I was there for 6 weeks. One of the scariest thing I have done. Going into something you never say your self doing.

I remember one time I was helping my aunt move some beds. Suddenly my hearing starts to fade out, vision is fuzzy, and I started to get really hot. To find out I was about to pass out. That was the first time ever that had happened. That moment was the moment I really thought I have a problem.

Yet there were still some slip-ups here and there but the treatment was working. I was eating and becoming healthy. I remember my aunt talking to me and she said "When you came here you were so pale, like a ghost, you looked sick, and now you actually have color." I was shocked I never really know things were that bad.

I am just so happy I had the amazing support from my family. I put them through hell and back, but they stayed right by my side. you’ll get to see new sides of the people who matter the most to you in the world, as they wrap you in their love and lend you their strength when yours is running low. And then you go off and you fight. You fight like hell. Because, really, what other choice do you have?


Cover Image Credit: Laura Wright

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17 Empowering Bible Verses For Women

You go, girl.
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We all have those days where we let the negative thoughts that we're "not good enough," "not pretty enough" or "not smart enough" invade our minds. It's easy to lose hope in these situations and to feel like it would be easier to just give up. However, the Bible reminds us that these things that we tell ourselves are not true and it gives us the affirmations that we need. Let these verses give you the power and motivation that you're lacking.

1. Proverbs 31:25

"She is clothed with strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future."

2. Psalm 46:5

"God is within her, she will not fall."

3. Luke 1:45

"Blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her."

4. Proverbs 31:17

"She is energetic and strong, a hard worker."

5. Psalm 28:7

"The Lord is my strength and my shield."

6. Proverbs 11:16

"A gracious woman gains respect, but ruthless men gain only wealth."

7. Joshua 1:9

"Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

8. Proverbs 31:30

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised."

9. 1 Corinthians 15:10

"By the grace of God, I am what I am."

10. Proverbs 31:26

"When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness."

11. Psalm 139:14

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

12. 1 Peter 3:3-4

"Don't be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God."

13. Colossians 2:10

"And in Christ you have been brought to fullness."

14. 2 Timothy 1:7

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."

15. Jeremiah 29:11

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'"

16. Exodus 14:14

"The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm."

17. Song of Songs 4:7

"You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way."

Next time you're feeling discouraged or weak, come back to these verses and use them to give you the strength and power that you need to conquer your battles.

Cover Image Credit: Julia Waterbury

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A Positive Outlook

Is the glass half full or half empty?

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Let's face it, it's easy to get overwhelmed by homework, friends, work, extracurriculars, and so many other things that demand our attention. It can be easy to fall into patterns of complaining or just going through the motions. Sometimes we forget that life is a gift. Instead of complaining about all of these things we have to do, we should actually consider it a privilege.

Negativity feeds off of negativity. Are the people in your life complaining about things? It can be hard to break the pattern of negativity, but a reminder of the blessings and the small silver linings can lift the spirit. In situations where people are often complaining or talking negatively about others, I try to catch myself and remove myself from the situation. Of course, still hang out with your friends, just be sure that you're having a positive impact on them or else negativity will be the go-to subject in your friendship.

I like to plan out my week and have things throughout the week that I have to look forward to. I do this to try to break the monotony of school work and the high intensity of stress from studying. Plan on getting coffee with a friend, go to your youth group or go on a run. Whatever alleviates stress and keeps the negative thoughts at bay.

Test week is a time where negativity often clouds our life. Sometimes feelings of inadequacy and thoughts of doubt creep in and disarm our confidence that we had just started to gain. Don't let those thoughts tell you that you can't do it. You've got this! Study and do your very best. That is all anyone can ask of you. You are not going to be the best at everything you do, just make sure you are the best you can be. Try not to beat yourself down for stupid mistakes or poor grades. Comparing yourself to others is a path that only leads to negative thoughts. Instead, set personal academic, social, spiritual and physical goals for yourself. Be competitive with yourself and not others. This can help you have a positive outlook on life.

Also, consider what a blessing it is to be able to go to college and learn more about a subject that you want to pursue as a career. Not everyone is able to do this and we should be grateful rather than complaining. Plus, we are paying a lot of money to be at college. Why pay so much money to go to a place that you don't even want to be at? Take time to notice the flowers blooming, the birds singing, and the wonderful diversity on campus. What a blessing!

So, is the cup half full or half empty? Either way, there is water in the cup and it is your outlook on life that makes the difference.

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