The Monster That Was Inside Me

The Monster That Was Inside Me

You go off and you fight. You fight like hell. Because, really, what other choice do you have?
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This week our editor challenged our team to write something out of our comfort zone. So here I am. I am going to be completely honest. The topic I am going to get into is dark and a lot of people go through it. Just stick with me.

It all started my senior year of high school. My life was all over the place and the only thing I thought about was school. I was a good student, the teachers liked me, and I had good grades. When I wasn't doing school work I would always be working out. Soon I started to noticed I was losing weight. Yet my family never really noticed.

After months I think I lost a total of 50 pounds in like 3 months. My doctor would ask how I am losing weight? I would say "I am just cutting out some foods." But the truth was I stopped eating. At school I could get away with not eating breakfast and lunch. And you start to think, I was hungry at first but after awhile I got used to it, I guess. And I liked having the extra time to study and the more I thought about it, well if I don’t need lunch, then maybe I don’t need breakfast or dinner either. And it kind of became a new project for me. To see how long I could go without eating any food.

Soon some people start to notice. Yet you have done this routine for so long, you are in denial. I was in denial. I started isolating from everyone again, and my anxiety was at an all-time high and panic attacks started to happen daily. I couldn’t take it anymore.

It kind of became a new project for me: To see how long I could go without eating any food. I didn’t want anyone to see me the way I see myself. I was shortly diagnosed with a eating disorder. And I went through it all, denial, anger, depression, its like i was grieving.I didn't want to change. So for a couple of months I just continued what I was doing.

So after a long time of being in denial. I got help. On February 5th after school I packed my things and went to Ohio.

I was attending a IOP (Intensive outpatient program), a rehabilitation therapy most commonly used to treat chemical dependency. I was there for 6 weeks. One of the scariest thing I have done. Going into something you never say your self doing.

I remember one time I was helping my aunt move some beds. Suddenly my hearing starts to fade out, vision is fuzzy, and I started to get really hot. To find out I was about to pass out. That was the first time ever that had happened. That moment was the moment I really thought I have a problem.

Yet there were still some slip-ups here and there but the treatment was working. I was eating and becoming healthy. I remember my aunt talking to me and she said "When you came here you were so pale, like a ghost, you looked sick, and now you actually have color." I was shocked I never really know things were that bad.

I am just so happy I had the amazing support from my family. I put them through hell and back, but they stayed right by my side. you’ll get to see new sides of the people who matter the most to you in the world, as they wrap you in their love and lend you their strength when yours is running low. And then you go off and you fight. You fight like hell. Because, really, what other choice do you have?


Cover Image Credit: Laura Wright

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To The Boy Who Will Love Me Next

If you can't understand these few things, leave before things get too involved
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To the boy that will love me next, I need you to know and understand things about me and my past. The things I have been though not only have shaped the person I’ve become, but also sometimes controls my life. In the past I’ve been used, abused, and taken for granted, and I want something real this time. The guys before you were just boys; they didn’t know how to treat me until it was too late. They didn’t understand how to love me, until I broke my own heart. Before you truly decide to love me I want you to understand these things.

When I tell you something, please listen.

I’m my own person, I want to be loved a certain way. If I ask you to come over and watch movies with me please do it, if I ask for you to leave me alone for a few hours because it’s a girl’s night please do it. I don’t just say things to hear my own voice, I say things to you because it’s important to my life and the way I want to be loved. I’m not a needy person when it comes to being loved and cared for, but I do ask for you to do the small things that I am say.

Forgive my past.

My past is not a pretty brick road, it is a highway that has a bunch of potholes and cracks in it. I have a lot of baggage, and most of it you won’t understand. But don’t let my past decided whether you want to love me or not. My past has helped form who I am today, but it does not define who I am. My past experiences might try and make an appearance every once in a while, but I will not go back to that person I once was, I will not return to all that hurt I once went though. When I say those things, I’m telling the complete and honest truth. I relive my past every day, somethings haunt me and somethings are good reminds. But for you to love me, I need you to accept my past, present and future.

I’m just another bro to the other guys.

I have always hung out with boys, I don’t fit in with the girl groups. I have 10 close girlfriends, but the majority of my friends are guy, but don’t let this scare you. If I wanted to be with one of my guy friends I would already be with him, and if you haven’t noticed I don’t want them because I’m with you. I will not lose my friendships with all my guy friends to be able to stay with you. I will not cut off ties because you don’t like my guy friends. I have lost too many buddies because of my ex-boyfriends and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that again. If you don’t like how many guy friends I have you can leave now. Don’t bother trying to date me if you can accept the fact I’m just another bro.

I might be a badass, but I actually have a big heart.

To a lot of people I come off to be a very crazy and wild girl. I will agree I can be crazy and wild, but I’m more than that. I’m independent, caring, responsible, understanding, forgiving, and so such more type of woman. Many people think that I’m a badass because I don’t take any negatively from anyone. Just like we learned when we were younger, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” Most people can’t do that in today’s world, so I stick up for myself and my friends. I don’t care what anyone thinks about me, or their option on how I live my life. The only thing I care about is being able to make myself happy. Even though I’m an independent woman, understand that I do have a big heart. Honesty when I truly care for someone I will do just about anything they ask, but don’t take advantage of this. Once you take advantage of this part of me, all respect will be lost for you.

I’m hard to love.

Sometimes I want to be cuddle and get attention, and sometimes I don’t want you to talk to me for a couple hours. Sometimes I want you to take me out for a nice meal, but sometimes I want a home cooked meal. Every day is different for me, sometimes I change my mind every hour. My mood swings are terrible on certain days, and on those days you should probably just ignore me. I’m not easy to love, so you’ll either be willing to find a way to love me, or you’ll walk out like so many others have.

I’m scared.

I’m scared to love someone again. I’ve been hurt, heartbroken, and beat to the ground in my past relationships. I want to believe you are different, I want to hope things will truly work out, but every relationship has always ended up the same way. I’m scared to trust someone, put my whole heart into them, just to be left and heartbroken again. I sick and tired of putting my whole body and soul into someone for them to just leave when it is convenient for them. If you want to love me, understand it won’t be easy for me to love you back.

When “I’m done.”

When I say “I’m done” I honestly don’t mean that I’m done. When I say that it means I need and want you to fight for me, show me why you want to be with me. I need you to prove that I’m worth it and there’s no one else but me. If I was truly done, I would just walk away, and not come back. So if I ever tell you, “I’m done,” tell me all the reasons why I’m truly not done.

For the boy who will love me next, the work is cut out for you, you just have to be willing to do it. I’m not like other girls, I am my own person, and I will need to be treated as such. For the boy that will love me next, don’t bother with me unless you really want to be with me. I don’t have time to waste on you if you aren’t going to try and make something out of us. To the boy who will love me next, the last thing I would like to say is good luck, I have faith in you.

Cover Image Credit: Danielle Balint

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31 Thoughts You Have When You're Getting Your Wisdom Teeth Removed

Why does my face still look like a chipmunk?

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I recently just got my wisdom teeth removed a week ago. Nice way to start the summer right? I was honestly ready to get my teeth out because they had been giving me trouble and I was over it. So, literally right after I got finished with school for the summer, I headed to the dentist's office instead of the beach.

I was a little scared the night before and the morning of surgery. I am bad about overthinking small situations, and boy I was steading over thinking this simple procedure. Little did I know that the surgery part is the easy part, it is the after surgery part that is awful. Well, it is not that bad, but it is not pleasant either.

You look like a chipmunk, your mouth is so numb, nobody can understand what you are saying, and blood is dripping out of your mouth. If you are about to have your wisdom teeth taken out, do not worry over it. It really is not as bad as everyone says it is.

For me, it was just a very irritating three days of being numb and uncomfortable.

Thoughts the night before surgery.

1. It can't hurt that bad, can it?

2. What if something goes wrong?

3. What if I do not wake up at all?

4. What if I die? That will suck.

5. If I sneeze will my stitches come out?

6. What's the worst that can happen?

Thoughts the morning of surgery.

7. Oh boy, here we go we are really doing this.

8. Will I feel it?

9. Will I wake up during surgery?

10. What if I bleed to death?

11. I hope I don't say something to somebody that I'm not supposed to say.

12. Will the anesthesia work on me? Will I fall asleep?

Thoughts during surgery.

13. Take a deep breath you are fine.

14. This isn't so bad.

15. I'm feeling sleepy. Goodnight.

Thoughts after surgery.

16. Y'all are done already?

17. That did not take long at all.

18. That was not bad at all I hardly feel anything.

19. OK, maybe I should hold on to something while I am walking.

20. Wow, I am numb.

21. Please stop taking pictures and videos of me, dad.

Thoughts the day after surgery.

22. Where are my pain pills?

23. Why is there still blood in my mouth?

24. Am I allowed to swallow?

25. My mouth feels weird.

26. Why do I still look like a chipmunk?

27. What if I choke on my stitches.

28. When can I brush my teeth? I NEED to brush my teeth.

29. Maybe I'll lose a little weight while being on a liquid diet.

30. My mouth better not give me any more trouble in the future now that my wisdom teeth are out.

Thoughts a week after surgery.

31. OK, the swelling is going down a little.

32. I can actually eat normal food.

33. Well, I can only to soft foods, but we will get back to normal eventually.

34. Ah, I can feel my mouth again.

35. What was I worried about again?

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