This past weekend, I went to an adventure obstacle course for my younger cousin’s birthday. It was a fun experience and unlike anything that I have done. Different levels divided according to difficulty, and a variety of obstacles winded through the trees, 100 plus feet in the air. I got the opportunity to zip line which was thrilling and unlike anything I’ve experienced.

I was genuinely amazed by the young kids 100 plus feet in the air, going through these obstacles like it was no big deal, like it was just another day at the park.

These kids standing four feet tall, would dart across the wooden boards floating in the air, without even batting an eye. Meanwhile I’m standing there flailing, contemplating yelling out staff, because I was terrified and wanted to get down. Right before my first zip line, I was so paralyzed with fear that I had to be nudged off the platform by my mom.

I thought back to the last time I wasn’t afraid.

And couldn’t recall a time when I wasn’t filled entirely with fear.

The more I think about it, the more I realize, how much of my life revolves around fear.

Every single thing I do, every action I make, every action I don’t make.

I’m terrified to be a writer because I’m so awful at grammar and spelling, ironically enough. Who wants to be a writer, but has the spelling and grammar skills of a sixth grader? Does that mean I don’t write, even though that’s what I’m passionate about?

It’s pretty crazy to think about, how when your young nothing really scares you, and if it does, you just go for it anyways.

My 50 pound, 6-year-old self, used to go up to the high dive at a pool and jump off into the water, like it was nothing. Now I can’t even fathom swimming in a community pool without getting completely groused out.

It's scary, when you start to analyze how much of your life is controlled by fear.

Fear holds me back in so many different aspects of my life. I don’t get out of my comfort zone, much, unless I’m forced.

There’s so many things I want to do, want to experience, want to be.

I’m terrified of failing, does that mean I shouldn’t try?

That’s what we tend to tell ourselves, especially, because in society today failure is not an option. What even is the definition of failing anyways?

Each and every fear we have tells us we can’t or we shouldn’t, fear, basically, dictates our lives, whether we want it to, or not.

In all reality, we should stop being such irrational beings and tell it to f**k off. But guess what, humans, yeah us, are the most irrational creatures that exists and that’s not changing anytime soon.

I refuse to wake up in forty years and realize decisions I didn’t make were solely because I was too scared.

Too scared to get rejected, too scared to not be enough, too scared to not be happy.

Maybe we should take advice from our younger selves, if my 6-year-old self wasn’t terrified of jumping off that high-dive, why should I be?

If my younger cousin who can’t weigh more than 50 pounds wasn’t afraid to run across those wooden boards dangling 100 feet in the air, then why should I be?

That’s how I want to live my life.

I don’t want to be stuck in a tree paralyzed with fear.

Or nudged off the platform by my mom.

I want my fears to not control and dictate my actions, but rather encourage and promote the decisions I know I want to make.

I want to know the last time I wasn’t completely filled by fear.

Maybe, that last time can be today.